August 2012 The Best Summer

I must say this is one of the best summers I had.

The first summer in Hong Kong I was busy preparing for a new program to launch in the following academic year. The second summer I was going through chemotherapy. The third summer was hectic; I had to teach an intensive summer course and then we headed back to U.S. with a long to-do list.

This summer is really relaxing! First, we moved to our 2-bedroom apartment in May and it is much roomier. Second, we decided that we would not go anywhere for “vacation” because Ma Wan is our vacation home.  We swim and do water-exercised at 7 am together each morning. After dinner, we stroll around the island, praying and sharing. Third, I allow myself not to work too hard.

I notice that I really lose desire to strive for career advancement. I embrace this loss of desire with mixed emotions. On one hand, I feel somewhat empty because for many years I have been goal-oriented and accomplishment-driven. So I am somewhat “lost” in that sense. Where do I go from now on? If my health is good, I still have many more work-years. It seems like I must follow the game rules and advance career wise. On the other hand, I want to have courage to choose a different life.  Yet I do not quite know what that life would look like.

So for now I walk one step at a time, feeling quite contented, noting that God’s providence for each day is sufficient. “Give us this day my daily bread” – I trust that He would provide me with physical, emotional and spiritual nourishment needed on the journey.  I am not anxious as I used to be, having much more confidence in the Holy Spirit’s guidance and direction. As long as my desire is to walk in the Lord’s sovereign will I would be fine.

I can be His cheerful helper!

A Special Mother's Day May 2012

A special Mother’s Day I had a blessed Mother’s Day a few weeks ago. Mother’s Day is usually not particularly exciting. First my beloved mother had passed away for more than 15 years. Second, I do not have children. There is not much incentive to celebrate on Mother’s Day. When Victor was pastoring a church in California, we usually had some special program on that Sunday. I usually would receive a flower with all the mothers together, from one of the Sunday School children. Sometimes in those moments I felt tinges of “barrenness,” not having my own child. Most of the time, we did our best to be a blessing to others on that day. This year our colleagues scheduled admissions interview for our programme in Zhuhai on Mother’s Day. Perhaps because we are a bunch of workaholics with nothing special to celebrate on Mother’s Day! I figured that it might be good to experience a Mother’s Day without the usual church activities. It turned out to be very special Mother’s Day. I joined the Morrison Chapel for morning worship. The Morrison family is my great inspiration. Robert Morrison, the first missionary to China, stationed in Macao to begin the arduous task of translating the Bible into English. The Morrison Chapel is located right next to the Old Protestant cemetery in Macao where Morrison, his first wife Mary Morrison, their newborn son were buried, and their 2nd son John Robert Morrison who followed his father’s path serving as a missionary. Mary, the first wife of Morrison, was a great comfort to Morrison after he spent several lonely years on the mission field as a solitary missionary. Her life was somewhat sad. Their firstborn died soon after birth. Mary never quite recovered from the loss, leading to physical and emotional problems later. As a young wife, Mary had to endure separation as Morrison traveled to Canton for half a year (foreign women are not allowed in Canton in those days). She had to care for the young family all by herself (she later had 2 children after the death their firstborn). She became so ill she had to return to England with her young children. Upon their return to Macao, the family’s joy together was brief as she soon died of cholera while expecting another child. I celebrated Mary’s life. She is a sacrifice to mission work. It was a life full of pain and suffering. How hard it must have been for her as a wife and mother! Yet it is a life that bears fruits, although she would not see it not in her days. “All these people were still living by faith when they died. They did not receive the things promised; they only saw them and welcomed them from a distance. And they admitted that they were aliens and strangers on earth. “ (Hebrew 11:13) Morrison’s second wife, Eliza Amstrong, was also a great inspiration. Knowing the path of a missionary wife’s life to be difficult, she courageously set forth on this journey. She was a loving mother to Morrison and Mary’s children. Similar to Mary, she also became so ill that she had to return to England. While being apart, Morrison passed away in Canton. After Morrison passed away, she took care of all their children and organized Morrison’s letters into a bibliography (Memoirs of the Life and Labours of Robert Morrison Vol. 1 & 2) These women inspire me. On Mother’s Day, I remembered them and celebrated their lives. The Morrisons offer their firstborn (who died living only one day) and their stillborn child on the altar of submission. Two years ago, the Lord has revealed to me that “not having” is my offering on the altar. I submit to His sovereign will. The church usher offered me a rose but I declined, thinking that it should be reserved for the real mothers. The Lord lifted me up through the worship songs and congregational reading. (It is good to have Anglican worship once in a while!) He reminded me once again to offer my “not having” on the altar. When I left, I asked the usher for a rose (now that there are leftovers). This is the first rose I asked and received from the Lord, to bless me with motherhood and make me a mother in the way He wants me to be. My day of work with colleagues was good as well!

May 16 2012 God's Providence

We have got a home in Ma Wan! Let me share this amazing experience with you. We have been searching and praying for a flat for quite a few months. The rising price of homes in Hong Kong was alarming and there were few available flats in Ma Wan. There was a mild ditch in price between Christmas and New Year. However we lost opportunities because we were not able to be decisive. Originally there was one flat that I really liked. It was exactly what a prayed for - a neat flat facing southwest with a sea view towards Noah’s ark and in move-in condition. However we were not decisive and missed out the opportunity bidding for this flat. In Hong Kong, buying a flat requires super-quick decision making. I began to doubt whether we would ever get a flat with Victor’s “wait-for-lower-price” strategy. I really prayed hard – not so much for the home now but for faith in His providence despite our indecisiveness! I also prayed that I would trust in His sovereign will and His perfect plan, such that I can go with Victor’s leadership in this matter as well. I somewhat gave up then as the price flared up again! Then this flat appeared but it was somewhat expensive, higher than our initial budget. We were ready to give up and pass. I reached a point that I could submit to His good will even if it meant renting a place from the village flats in Ma Wan. The real estate agent worked real hard and the deal was made. We moved in! At first I was not sure whether I would like this flat. In fact now I felt that it was better than the flat I initially liked. There is also a sea view. Although we cannot see the Noah’s Ark, we can hear the waves! I am so thankful. The Lord provides! Moreover He really can work through our weaknesses (e.g. lack of knowledge, indecisiveness, etc.) to give us the better than we can imagine. His way is indeed higher than ours. I think it also helps me and Victor work as a team. While we have different expectations and different approaches to this, we prayed together. The Lord works through both of us (our strengths and our weaknesses) in some miraculous way such that we complement each other somehow. Most important of all, we both experience His Providence together.

April 9 Easter Reflections Again

It is quite a while since my last blog entry.

I just read my blog entry last year aroudn Easter. Well I got the same Easter message this year – again, from John 21! This time I pondered more on whether I love Jesus “more than these." Another component I reflected on was the 153 fish in their final catch after a night of fruitless labor. Upon the instruction of Christ to “cast the net on the right-hand side of the boat” they caught a great number of fish, too heavy to haul back to the shore. This message was very relevant because I was concerned about financial needs – not that we are lacking now but I cannot help but worry about the future. On one hand I desire to trust in God’s providence and walk by faith to devote my time and energy serving in His ministries. On the other hand I hold onto my “earning potential” from a professional career. I am reminded that it is the Lord who provides the catch. It would be foolish for me to love these more than Jesus.

Again I also pondered on Peter inquiry about the future of John. The Lord replied, “What is that to you? You must follow me." Compare to last year, I felt like I had made some progress. I am much more focused on the Lord now; the envy and jealousy of others subsided. We each have to follow the Lord’s designated path for us. This year I note that while wanting to be my husband’s cheerful helper, I must follow Christ on my own, regardless of God's plan for him. Lord, have mercy and help me!

In addition I am blessed meditating on different Bible passages and church worship services. Christ has every power to reduce His pain in His last hours on the Cross. However He chose this path of suffering - Isa 53:5 “He was pierced through for our transgressions, He was crushed for our iniquities; The chastening for our well-being fell upon Him, And by His scourging we are healed. “ Isaiah 53 is a chapter I treasure and verse 5 particularly - there lies my hope for healing in the Lord!

The month of March has been very busy. I had several speaking engagements. I am very thankful for the opportunity to use my profession to outreach – asking friends to come to my workshop conducted at church. I was invited to speak on The Meaning of Life and Death Anxiety in a student-organized gathering. I took the opportunity to share my faith with students as well as my experience with breast cancer. I was very excited and thankful for the opportunity. Unfortunately during this time I got the flu real bad – fever for 2 days. I was real worried so I stopped almost everything and did only the minimal to manage. The illness had really held me back. However I also experienced the peace of God on the day I shared my faith with students. It was not “great” but I realized these are important baby steps for me to learn to share my faith more publicly and perhaps in my professional role. The joy is I am more convicted to share the Gospel with others, individually or in groups. May He use me in the days to come!

2/11/2012 Psalm 16 on Joy

Lessons on Joy from Psalm 16
V 2 I said to the Lord, "You are my Lord; apart from you I have no good thing." ….
V8 I have set the Lord always before me. Because he is at my right hand, I will not be shaken.
V9 Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices; my body also will rest secure,
V10 because you will not abandon me to the grave, nor will you let your Holy One see decay.
V11 You have made known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand.

This Psalm reminds me that all my good can only come from the Lord. He is my only source of joy and delight.
These days I am trying to understand more about my longings and desires, wondering how I can be liberated from the confinement and transcend them.

This Psalm promises joy that even the body can rest secure. Lord, I am still drawn to different earthly pleasures, help me look unto You. Made Your path of life known to me! I long for the eternal pleasures at your right hand to replace my earthly treasures. I pray that I would experience this as a reality.

January 19, 2012 New Year Resolution

Last Wednesday I have my body check – mammogram and ultrasound. Friday was my birthday and so I put off getting the medical report so I can fully enjoy the weekend.
Today I got the medical report. Praise God I am good! I am so thankful and joyous. It is almost 2 years since I was first diagnosed with breast cancer and so it looks like I would hit the 2-year survival rate!
During the past few weeks I have continued to try to understand the meaning of life and death. I pray that when the time comes, I would embrace the Lord boldly and joyfully. I pray that I would be ready and that I can say I have fight the good fight and run the good race. If cancer recurs, I would start writing one goodbye encouragement letter a day to each person I know until I am too frail to do so. I trust that the Lord will give me sufficient grace to endure physical pain in the process.

In the meantime, I will try to live life to the fullest. I have increased my exercise level and am regaining strength. I am all eager and excited to serve God to the best of my capacities. In particular I pray that I may share the Gospel with others faithfully. Victor and I will be teaching a Sunday school class in Putonghua next quarter! I am doing a few workshops in the coming months. I had a good Christmas break and felt refreshed. Now I want to prioritize work too so that I can use the time well to complete what should be done.

Lastly I am going to try my best not to be hypochondriac for 6 months until my next medical check!

December 17 Step-by-Step and In His Path

This Monday I was hoping to do something “special” with Victor although I did not know exactly what I wanted. I ended up wasting time and feeling frustrated. As I prayed, I realized how much I want to hold onto life and experience memorable moments. Yet the more I hold onto life in my hands, the more I am losing it. I end up filling my days with fleeting pleasures and episodes after episodes of nothingness. I pray that I can let go.

At work I must say my motivation has been declining. Although I am managing alright, I was not the compulsive achiever any more. Last academic year I was eager to “recover” and go back on track. This year I felt the weariness and found it hard to push myself. I felt somewhat in a limbo because it is hard to say goodbye to certain passions.

On Tuesday during my devotion I was reminded:
But those who wait on the Lord
Shall renew their strength;
They shall mount up with wings like eagles,
They shall run and not be weary,
They shall walk and not faint. Isa 40:31 NKJV

Yesterday Victor and I spent time together praying for wisdom and discernment to make some choices. May the Lord help us walk in His path step by step.