August 2012 The Best Summer

I must say this is one of the best summers I had.

The first summer in Hong Kong I was busy preparing for a new program to launch in the following academic year. The second summer I was going through chemotherapy. The third summer was hectic; I had to teach an intensive summer course and then we headed back to U.S. with a long to-do list.

This summer is really relaxing! First, we moved to our 2-bedroom apartment in May and it is much roomier. Second, we decided that we would not go anywhere for “vacation” because Ma Wan is our vacation home.  We swim and do water-exercised at 7 am together each morning. After dinner, we stroll around the island, praying and sharing. Third, I allow myself not to work too hard.

I notice that I really lose desire to strive for career advancement. I embrace this loss of desire with mixed emotions. On one hand, I feel somewhat empty because for many years I have been goal-oriented and accomplishment-driven. So I am somewhat “lost” in that sense. Where do I go from now on? If my health is good, I still have many more work-years. It seems like I must follow the game rules and advance career wise. On the other hand, I want to have courage to choose a different life.  Yet I do not quite know what that life would look like.

So for now I walk one step at a time, feeling quite contented, noting that God’s providence for each day is sufficient. “Give us this day my daily bread” – I trust that He would provide me with physical, emotional and spiritual nourishment needed on the journey.  I am not anxious as I used to be, having much more confidence in the Holy Spirit’s guidance and direction. As long as my desire is to walk in the Lord’s sovereign will I would be fine.

I can be His cheerful helper!

A Special Mother's Day May 2012

A special Mother’s Day I had a blessed Mother’s Day a few weeks ago. Mother’s Day is usually not particularly exciting. First my beloved mother had passed away for more than 15 years. Second, I do not have children. There is not much incentive to celebrate on Mother’s Day. When Victor was pastoring a church in California, we usually had some special program on that Sunday. I usually would receive a flower with all the mothers together, from one of the Sunday School children. Sometimes in those moments I felt tinges of “barrenness,” not having my own child. Most of the time, we did our best to be a blessing to others on that day. This year our colleagues scheduled admissions interview for our programme in Zhuhai on Mother’s Day. Perhaps because we are a bunch of workaholics with nothing special to celebrate on Mother’s Day! I figured that it might be good to experience a Mother’s Day without the usual church activities. It turned out to be very special Mother’s Day. I joined the Morrison Chapel for morning worship. The Morrison family is my great inspiration. Robert Morrison, the first missionary to China, stationed in Macao to begin the arduous task of translating the Bible into English. The Morrison Chapel is located right next to the Old Protestant cemetery in Macao where Morrison, his first wife Mary Morrison, their newborn son were buried, and their 2nd son John Robert Morrison who followed his father’s path serving as a missionary. Mary, the first wife of Morrison, was a great comfort to Morrison after he spent several lonely years on the mission field as a solitary missionary. Her life was somewhat sad. Their firstborn died soon after birth. Mary never quite recovered from the loss, leading to physical and emotional problems later. As a young wife, Mary had to endure separation as Morrison traveled to Canton for half a year (foreign women are not allowed in Canton in those days). She had to care for the young family all by herself (she later had 2 children after the death their firstborn). She became so ill she had to return to England with her young children. Upon their return to Macao, the family’s joy together was brief as she soon died of cholera while expecting another child. I celebrated Mary’s life. She is a sacrifice to mission work. It was a life full of pain and suffering. How hard it must have been for her as a wife and mother! Yet it is a life that bears fruits, although she would not see it not in her days. “All these people were still living by faith when they died. They did not receive the things promised; they only saw them and welcomed them from a distance. And they admitted that they were aliens and strangers on earth. “ (Hebrew 11:13) Morrison’s second wife, Eliza Amstrong, was also a great inspiration. Knowing the path of a missionary wife’s life to be difficult, she courageously set forth on this journey. She was a loving mother to Morrison and Mary’s children. Similar to Mary, she also became so ill that she had to return to England. While being apart, Morrison passed away in Canton. After Morrison passed away, she took care of all their children and organized Morrison’s letters into a bibliography (Memoirs of the Life and Labours of Robert Morrison Vol. 1 & 2) These women inspire me. On Mother’s Day, I remembered them and celebrated their lives. The Morrisons offer their firstborn (who died living only one day) and their stillborn child on the altar of submission. Two years ago, the Lord has revealed to me that “not having” is my offering on the altar. I submit to His sovereign will. The church usher offered me a rose but I declined, thinking that it should be reserved for the real mothers. The Lord lifted me up through the worship songs and congregational reading. (It is good to have Anglican worship once in a while!) He reminded me once again to offer my “not having” on the altar. When I left, I asked the usher for a rose (now that there are leftovers). This is the first rose I asked and received from the Lord, to bless me with motherhood and make me a mother in the way He wants me to be. My day of work with colleagues was good as well!

May 16 2012 God's Providence

We have got a home in Ma Wan! Let me share this amazing experience with you. We have been searching and praying for a flat for quite a few months. The rising price of homes in Hong Kong was alarming and there were few available flats in Ma Wan. There was a mild ditch in price between Christmas and New Year. However we lost opportunities because we were not able to be decisive. Originally there was one flat that I really liked. It was exactly what a prayed for - a neat flat facing southwest with a sea view towards Noah’s ark and in move-in condition. However we were not decisive and missed out the opportunity bidding for this flat. In Hong Kong, buying a flat requires super-quick decision making. I began to doubt whether we would ever get a flat with Victor’s “wait-for-lower-price” strategy. I really prayed hard – not so much for the home now but for faith in His providence despite our indecisiveness! I also prayed that I would trust in His sovereign will and His perfect plan, such that I can go with Victor’s leadership in this matter as well. I somewhat gave up then as the price flared up again! Then this flat appeared but it was somewhat expensive, higher than our initial budget. We were ready to give up and pass. I reached a point that I could submit to His good will even if it meant renting a place from the village flats in Ma Wan. The real estate agent worked real hard and the deal was made. We moved in! At first I was not sure whether I would like this flat. In fact now I felt that it was better than the flat I initially liked. There is also a sea view. Although we cannot see the Noah’s Ark, we can hear the waves! I am so thankful. The Lord provides! Moreover He really can work through our weaknesses (e.g. lack of knowledge, indecisiveness, etc.) to give us the better than we can imagine. His way is indeed higher than ours. I think it also helps me and Victor work as a team. While we have different expectations and different approaches to this, we prayed together. The Lord works through both of us (our strengths and our weaknesses) in some miraculous way such that we complement each other somehow. Most important of all, we both experience His Providence together.

April 9 Easter Reflections Again

It is quite a while since my last blog entry.

I just read my blog entry last year aroudn Easter. Well I got the same Easter message this year – again, from John 21! This time I pondered more on whether I love Jesus “more than these." Another component I reflected on was the 153 fish in their final catch after a night of fruitless labor. Upon the instruction of Christ to “cast the net on the right-hand side of the boat” they caught a great number of fish, too heavy to haul back to the shore. This message was very relevant because I was concerned about financial needs – not that we are lacking now but I cannot help but worry about the future. On one hand I desire to trust in God’s providence and walk by faith to devote my time and energy serving in His ministries. On the other hand I hold onto my “earning potential” from a professional career. I am reminded that it is the Lord who provides the catch. It would be foolish for me to love these more than Jesus.

Again I also pondered on Peter inquiry about the future of John. The Lord replied, “What is that to you? You must follow me." Compare to last year, I felt like I had made some progress. I am much more focused on the Lord now; the envy and jealousy of others subsided. We each have to follow the Lord’s designated path for us. This year I note that while wanting to be my husband’s cheerful helper, I must follow Christ on my own, regardless of God's plan for him. Lord, have mercy and help me!

In addition I am blessed meditating on different Bible passages and church worship services. Christ has every power to reduce His pain in His last hours on the Cross. However He chose this path of suffering - Isa 53:5 “He was pierced through for our transgressions, He was crushed for our iniquities; The chastening for our well-being fell upon Him, And by His scourging we are healed. “ Isaiah 53 is a chapter I treasure and verse 5 particularly - there lies my hope for healing in the Lord!

The month of March has been very busy. I had several speaking engagements. I am very thankful for the opportunity to use my profession to outreach – asking friends to come to my workshop conducted at church. I was invited to speak on The Meaning of Life and Death Anxiety in a student-organized gathering. I took the opportunity to share my faith with students as well as my experience with breast cancer. I was very excited and thankful for the opportunity. Unfortunately during this time I got the flu real bad – fever for 2 days. I was real worried so I stopped almost everything and did only the minimal to manage. The illness had really held me back. However I also experienced the peace of God on the day I shared my faith with students. It was not “great” but I realized these are important baby steps for me to learn to share my faith more publicly and perhaps in my professional role. The joy is I am more convicted to share the Gospel with others, individually or in groups. May He use me in the days to come!

2/11/2012 Psalm 16 on Joy

Lessons on Joy from Psalm 16
V 2 I said to the Lord, "You are my Lord; apart from you I have no good thing." ….
V8 I have set the Lord always before me. Because he is at my right hand, I will not be shaken.
V9 Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices; my body also will rest secure,
V10 because you will not abandon me to the grave, nor will you let your Holy One see decay.
V11 You have made known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand.

This Psalm reminds me that all my good can only come from the Lord. He is my only source of joy and delight.
These days I am trying to understand more about my longings and desires, wondering how I can be liberated from the confinement and transcend them.

This Psalm promises joy that even the body can rest secure. Lord, I am still drawn to different earthly pleasures, help me look unto You. Made Your path of life known to me! I long for the eternal pleasures at your right hand to replace my earthly treasures. I pray that I would experience this as a reality.

January 19, 2012 New Year Resolution

Last Wednesday I have my body check – mammogram and ultrasound. Friday was my birthday and so I put off getting the medical report so I can fully enjoy the weekend.
Today I got the medical report. Praise God I am good! I am so thankful and joyous. It is almost 2 years since I was first diagnosed with breast cancer and so it looks like I would hit the 2-year survival rate!
During the past few weeks I have continued to try to understand the meaning of life and death. I pray that when the time comes, I would embrace the Lord boldly and joyfully. I pray that I would be ready and that I can say I have fight the good fight and run the good race. If cancer recurs, I would start writing one goodbye encouragement letter a day to each person I know until I am too frail to do so. I trust that the Lord will give me sufficient grace to endure physical pain in the process.

In the meantime, I will try to live life to the fullest. I have increased my exercise level and am regaining strength. I am all eager and excited to serve God to the best of my capacities. In particular I pray that I may share the Gospel with others faithfully. Victor and I will be teaching a Sunday school class in Putonghua next quarter! I am doing a few workshops in the coming months. I had a good Christmas break and felt refreshed. Now I want to prioritize work too so that I can use the time well to complete what should be done.

Lastly I am going to try my best not to be hypochondriac for 6 months until my next medical check!

December 17 Step-by-Step and In His Path

This Monday I was hoping to do something “special” with Victor although I did not know exactly what I wanted. I ended up wasting time and feeling frustrated. As I prayed, I realized how much I want to hold onto life and experience memorable moments. Yet the more I hold onto life in my hands, the more I am losing it. I end up filling my days with fleeting pleasures and episodes after episodes of nothingness. I pray that I can let go.

At work I must say my motivation has been declining. Although I am managing alright, I was not the compulsive achiever any more. Last academic year I was eager to “recover” and go back on track. This year I felt the weariness and found it hard to push myself. I felt somewhat in a limbo because it is hard to say goodbye to certain passions.

On Tuesday during my devotion I was reminded:
But those who wait on the Lord
Shall renew their strength;
They shall mount up with wings like eagles,
They shall run and not be weary,
They shall walk and not faint. Isa 40:31 NKJV

Yesterday Victor and I spent time together praying for wisdom and discernment to make some choices. May the Lord help us walk in His path step by step.

Dec 6 A hypochondriac journey

I did not have a blog entry for such a long time! It feels like I have forgotten about the cheerful helper.
This entry is somewhat difficult to write because I want to honestly share with you my hypochondriac journey for the past 2 months. I had some chest pain and immediately felt doomed that it would either be cancer recurring or some major illness. I ran around for different medical appointments and tests to rule out different conditions. The problem is that it is impossible to rule out everything. A negative finding now does not guarantee anything in the future. I cannot find rest.
On one Sunday when I was feeling quite low, Psalm 103 v 1-5 reappeared during worship time. The verses were God’s encouragement to me during my treatment process.
1 Praise the LORD, my soul; all my inmost being, praise his holy name.
2 Praise the LORD, my soul, and forget not all his benefits—
3 who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases,
4 who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion,
5 who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s.

I felt strongly that this was the Lord’s encouragement. However I was unable to hold onto the hope in Him. I realized that even if God’s healing touch is real, I may still live in unbelief. I did not have any good solution. Yet, God did not abandon me in my weakness. He gradually granted me some assurance from medical professionals. There were different reminders on God’s amazing protection during my surgery and treatment process.

During this time I read some Christian writings on death and came to embrace death as merely a passage to eternity life. Mostly I am afraid of the unknown. I dread physical pain, loneliness and helplessness in the process. My only option is to trust in God and hold onto His love now, moment by moment; it will eventually carry me through when the time comes to leave the earthly body to meet Him in eternity. Death is only a passageway.

Ironically thoughts of death may have helped me embrace life more. Sometimes I ask myself -- if I only have a few years left what would I be doing today? My perspectives change. I had found more time to be with Victor. I enjoyed some luxuries such as dining out with family and friends. Sometimes I dressed up for no real reason. I “wasted” time going for walks, reading novels, and doing “unimportant” things. I am less demanding on myself. Perhaps I am more alive this way! I have lose my drive and it feels strange.

Well, despite all these, the past 2 months have been great. I did 2 workshops at church. Victor and I shared together in a church event – it was so great to serve together as a team. We have a book on Couples in the Bible coming out next week. All these are wonderful – but thankfully they are not the focus of my life. God is.

Oct 11

It has been one year now since I completed chemotherapy and radiation treatment. Praise God for the gift of recovery!
I have my own hair now. Although it is thin I am soooooooooo thankful to have hair!

When I encountered the possibility of death last year I noted that I was not ready. I had only a few items of unfinished businesses on earth. I realized that the projects I was involved in were really insignificant and most of my commitments could be easily replaced by others.

I was not ready because I found my love for God to be so limited. I do not know how best to describe my feelings. I would have to rely on faith hope and love to carry me through the transition of death to heaven. [1 Cor 13:13 And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love. Only faith, hope and love remain.] So I have been praying that I would grow in these three. Praise God I think I have!

I must confess that I still get entangled in sin and hindered by many things easily. [Hebrews 12:1-2 Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us.] May the Lord help us run with perseverance in this race!

Another reason I felt unready to be with the Lord was that I wanted more opportunities to share Christ with nonbelievers. This is the area I have not seen a lot of changes. So I am praying that the Lord will teach me.

August 30 Give us this day our daily bread

This verse in the Lord’s Prayer has special meaning for me when I once visited my friend diagnosed with leukemia at the hospital. She was having chemotherapy and had difficulty taking in food. We prayed this prayer together before her meal. The Lord answered -- I observed her finishing her bowl of oatmeal! Even if tasty, nutritious food is provided, we may not be able to take them in for the nourishing of our body. We are totally dependent on Him to give us this day our daily bread.

In about a year later, it was my turn to experience this prayer in a personal way. I was diagnosed with breast cancer. Each day I had to work on eating enough to keep my body strong for the 6 chemotherapy cycles. I can do my best to eat, but I really have no control over how the body takes in the nutrition. Praise God for carrying me through. Even on days when my appetite was poor and my mouth tasted metallic (yes, that is the sensation, and the fancy word is Dysguesia), I managed to gulp down 3 meals a day. Saying grace before meals means something else. I experienced the Lord supplying both physical and spiritual food in amazing timings and slowly I learned to trust in His providence.

Now in about another year, “Give us this day our daily readb” has a new meaning. I am trying hard to eat well – to resist fast, processed food, to not postpone a meal because of work, to not indulge in unhealthy delicacies… This requires a lot of discipline as well as time and energy --- I have to purchase and prespare fresh food, plan and organize my meals ahead of time so that I would not "eat out” last minute when stressed. It feels tiring! I also try to reserve dining out only for social purposes and special occasions. Even then I need to make good choices! It is very hard!!

Well, the above seems to be mostly for complaining. But deep within me, my prayer is Lord, give me this day my daily bread. Let me receive my bread and manna from Your hand humbly each day, trusting that You would feed me with Your good food for the nourishing of my mind, body and soul. Lord, please tame my wild desires and quench my thirst with Your living water.

August 27 Getting Ready for a New Semester

This last week I had bad jet lag – insomnia for quite a few nights and simply lethargic during day time. Fortunately I did not panic or feel depressed, striving to pray in those sleepy-waking moments. I struggled to work hard preparing for the new semester. After a few days toiling without achieving much, it suddenly dawned on me that I did not even pray about all these busy work. So I paused and asked God to make me a blessing to students, praying that I may be able to offer them a good learning experience and committing all that I do in His hands. In particular I ask you to also pray for guidance in ministry opportunities with students from mainland.

Last year this time I struggled with fever after my last chemotherapy shot. I am thankful for where I am at right now (with thin curly hair). Only God knows what the future holds for us. We can only walk one step at time. I read my blog again and was encouraged by what I wrote:
"The most important is total surrender to the Lord. Faith in His healing comes within our total surrender to Him and His sovereign will. Sometimes I am afraid to ask for certain things because I do not want to be disappointed. Surrendering allows us to freely ask and expect goodness from God and yet accepting “disappointments” and God’s alternative paths, only to find that His perfect way is better than ours.”

Lord, help me rest in Your perfect will!

August 21 Back to California (2)

The first week in California was relaxing and refreshing – it was a great delight to visit our friends. The second week we spent some time with family in San Diego and we also took care of businesses & ran errands. It became difficult as we approached departure.

On the 3rd Sunday (Day 14) we worshipped at Lake Ave Congregation Church in Pasadena. The sermon was on contentment (Philippians 4 ). I was reminded how the Lord has blessed us abundantly during the years in U.S. I am grateful and content. It has been a wonderful chapter of my life – I completed my PhD and had great professional training opportunities, got my “Mrs” degree and began my career in academia. The Lord has blessed me with more than I can ever imagine when I first arrived U.S. I am most grateful for a life with Victor serving together in the ministry. A lot of memories came back – The Lord had led us through trials and difficulties.

I felt my vulnerabilities intensely for a few days, experiencing both anxiety and sadness. The anxiety was due to a detour of travel plans with various uncertainties that I had no control. This triggered helplessness as well as a sense of loss as we approached farewell. We drove by our home one more time and I cried - it was a bittersweet moment saying goodbye to all the memories there. I also said goodbye to our church families in U.S. We visited the two churches Victor had served on the first two Sundays and had dinner with church families. My Sunday School kids have grown up to be teenagers, and the teenagers have grown up to be young married couples. I realize I was emotionally very attached! I have to let go. This closure is necessary so that I can be wholeheartedly devoted to church ministries in Hong Kong.

In my vulnerabilities, the Lord revealed His presence in our lives. The last few days we had a wonderful experience of God’s guidance. A few minute details pieced together perfectly, showing us that God can mastermind all things. Moreover the Holy Spirit was there to guide us in each step with His prompting. While browsing through the mail, I managed to find a date and location to complete a Continuing Education seminar for my license renewal. [The topic was on Journal Writing as a Therapeutic Tool – I learned a few interesting things about writing. Looking back, the blogging helped me significantly during my cancer treatment. I would write more often on this blog too – it really does help me focus on God’s work in our lives and it is really a privilege to share with you.] The brother who prepared our tax return completed the task for us. We managed to sign the papers to open escrow for our house sale a few minutes before 5 pm before we left Los Angeles. {We are trusting in the Lord that it will come through!} When scrambling to come up with our bank account number at the escrow office, a check I had prepared to support a missionary family was lying in my purse to show me the number. [What we give is little - but the blessings we receive are rich!] On the morning of my departure, Victor got confirmation that his part-time pastoral position has come through. My detour trip turned out to be smooth, only reminding me how God has guided me each step in my life.

God’s message to me was clear at the end of this trip – trust in His sovereign will in our lives. See how He works!

August 10 Back to Calfornia

We have been back in U.S. for 10 days. I have a lot to share. Perhaps I will do it chronologically.

First I was thankful that we had a safe plane ride and I was able to sleep for a few hours!

Next we visited our former church (RCAC) where Victor preached on that Sunday. In the evening we had dinner with them celebrating 3 couples’ wedding anniversary. It was great to reconnect with everyone. Although we were gone for only 3 years, I felt like we had missed so much of their growing up and changes. It was shocking to see some of my Sunday school kids now grown so tall. There are quite a few young couples now with babies I have not met. Some of the Sunday school preschoolers do not even remember me. It was a bit sad! It seems like we must move on, and this closure pushes me to be settled in our church ministries in Hong Kong. May the Lord direct and guide us in the ministries He has assigned for us so that we may serve Him faithfully in another church.

Then we drove up to Santa Barbara, Solvang, Pismo Beach, etc. along No. 1 Highway along the Pacific Coast, which was our honeymoon trail. It was very relaxing with the cool breeze. I thank God for our blessed 12 years and renewed my marriage commitment to the Lord. It is good that He is the origin of all loves – I prayed that His love (charity) would transform all our yearnings and desires. His love is the solid foundation of our marraige.

Then we visited our home – very sad to see the garden desolated and barren. But you can never expect tenants to take care of a rental property as if it is their own home. We had a lot of fond memories in the home and it was hard to say goodbye! Nevertheless we have to close this special chapter in our lives. We discovered several church connections with our real estate agents and we prayed together for the selling of this property. Then the stock market crashed next day (August 5th the Black Friday) and I worried about the sale. The only thing we can do is to entrust everything to our Lord. Today we heard there are some offers - reminding me that "The Lord is good, and blessed is the man who puts his trust in Him."

I attended a Continuing Education class for Psychologist on Saturday and met a former student. At first I thought she did not want to greet me. Later I found out that she is now legally blind due to an unsuccessful eye surgery. I remembered her perseverance during her doctoral studies. Despite this traumatic loss of body function and subsequently her job with good career prospects, she did not give up. She reminded me to be thankful for my body once again. Despite the pain and aches, my surgery was "suceessful." Once again I pray taht the Lord would help me take good care of my body so that I may serve Him in the fullest capacity.

On the 2nd Sunday, Victor preached in his former church (MPCBC). I prayed much for the Holy Spirit’s work and was most delighted to hear a good sermon relevant to the congregation. We also had a wonderful opportunity to fellowship with brothers and sisters at the church.

Besides we certainly had great food – Cheesecake Factory for Godiva cheesecake, Buca di Beppo…We also went to Whole Foods and discover more about organic and health food that are not easily available in Hong Kong.

Will tell you more...

July 11th What is New?

My friend noted that I had not entered a blog entry for a while. Wow - it is already July 11th and more than one month since my last entry. I am thankful for the reminder - I really need to re-orient myself to being a cheerful helper!

Much has happened during the last 6 weeks. Victor is going to change ministry and there was some drama about where he would be serving. We have got one piece confirmed and are still waiting on the Lord together for the other piece. May the Lord guide us! In the midst of the uncertainty, I re-read my blog last year, and was reminded that my primary call is to be a cheerful helper. Being Victor’s helper is my first priority. May He help me to be cheerful and loving in being His helper!

What else has happened? On the negative side, I have been back on my vanity track for a while, beginning to pursue things that are significant and worthwhile in my own eyes. May God help me to re-focus on my being His servant - to complete His assignments faithfully regardless of its apparent worth in my eyes (which is often based on the secular value of success). Lord, help me trust in your lead in all that I do.

Well I also felt somewhat low in early June, probably due to the end of the semester, Victor’s uncertainty in ministry, facing mid-life realities and accepting limitations in my recovery. I would blame menopause too - it is a killer! Yes, a lot of stuff! So I remind myself that I have committed to “live happily ever after” during my cancer treatment – [choosing to be joyful based on contentment in the Lord and to laugh and joke as much as possible and enjoy simple pleasures of life each day.] Well, I am not doing so well on this one!

On the positive side, I am learning more about God’s love, through the study of Song of Songs, one of the hardest books in the Bible. It has been a very special journey. It is difficult to share [even with Victor] what I am learning. Really need the Holy Spirit’s guidance on this one!!

In the meantime Victor and I had worked on his book Couples in the Bible, which was also our Sunday school curriculum last year. It looks promising that it would be published this year. We pray that God will use this book; hopefully it would be good material for Bible study and small group.

I now have a small growth group for pastoral staff in a church. Praise God for this opportunity as I desire to serve pastoral families more. I am also learning to trust the Holy Spirit’s guidance in this ministry too.

We will be heading back to U.S. in August! We are looking forward to it. We are praying hard for the selling of our house in U.S. We pray that the Lord will provide a permanent home in Hong Kong in Ma Wan – I want badly to have my own desk at home. Price of homes as well as rent and other things are going up and up!!! Lord, help me trust in your providence!

I hate to have grocery-list-like prayer requests – but I just realize I do have a lot of items on my plate. Please remember us in prayer.

May 23rd The Lord will Accomplish...

These days I have been re-reading my blog last year during my chemotherapy. There are also lots of additional reminders from devotions, sermons, bible study, etc. I noted that the Lord’s spiritual blessings during the treatment time were amazingly rich. Just as I began to doubt whether my walk with the Lord was as close as my “retreat time” last year, the Lord showed me His presence is just as wonderful and He has continued to work in my life. Praise Him!

Psalm 138:8 is a verse that has touched me deeply last year. Today it is just as refreshing! Here are 4 differnt translations:

NIV: The Lord will fulfill [his purpose] for me; your love, O Lord, endures forever —
do not abandon the works of your hands.

NASU: The Lord will accomplish what concerns me; Your lovingkindness, O Lord, is everlasting; Do not forsake the works of Your hands.

New Living Translation: The Lord will work out his plans for my life for your faithful love, O Lord, endures forever. Don't abandon me, for you made me.

NKJV
The Lord will perfect that which concerns me; Your mercy, O Lord, endures forever; Do not forsake the works of Your hands.

Isn't this a wonderful promise?! Today my prayer is that He will perfect my love for Him and for others. I am totally helpless regarding that. Our "love" is so entangled with our own unconscious desires, our self-seeking motives and our sins & pathologies that it cannot be pure. Only God can perfect that which concerns me. He will not forsake me. He will accomplish!

May 4th Celebrating an anniversary

The semester is almost over (currently it is exam and paper grading time) and I am much more relaxed now. Thus the irrational jealous feelings and negative thoughts somewhat subsided. It reminds me how stress is not only bad for our bodies, but also potentially bad for our souls as well. Nevertheless it is an opportunity for us to face who we are, our sinful nature and our frailty.

The only path to combat jealous feelings, negative thoughts and ultimately sin is to rely on the Lord and surrender to His sovereignty over us. When we actively yearn for the Lord’s love, He will become the only desire of our heart. When we seek His love for others, He will fill us with His love and there will be little room for jealousy and selfishness. When we are actively engaging in good deeds, we will be too busy to do bad things. It may not be easy though. It reminds me that in order to be a cheerful helper – the source of cheerfulness must be from Him.

Today was an anniversary too – last year May 4th I had my first chemotherapy shot. Today I paused to remember the Lord’s goodness; how He had carried me through and taught me to trust in Him.

Someone I knew died of a heart attack at 55. It is sad. He has so much more to contribute to the profession as well as to the church. I wondered again how many more years I would have. The Lord has His timing. Once more I commit my life in his hands. May he help me live each day for His sake and in His love!

April 25 Easter reflections

As I waited on the Lord this Easter, I did receive an “Easter message” from Him. It is however not particularly pleasant. It is from John 21. After Peter responded to Jesus asking him three times whether he loved Him, Peter inquired about the future of John. The Lord replied, what is that to you? You must follow me."

[John 21:21-23 Then Peter saw him (John), he asked, "Lord, what about him?" 22 Jesus answered, "If I want him to remain alive until I return, what is that to you? You must follow me." NIV]

This message was somewhat like a chider, reminding me that I must follow Him regardless of others. I note that I need a lot of affirmation from others. I easily become anxious when I do not measure up with peers. I also look to others to meet my needs instead of relying solely on the Lord. Worst still, lately I have some irrational envy and jealousy towards others – my primary schoolmates’ wealth, my friends who have a family (children), others’ adorable or youthful looks, people who are smarter than me, others coping with the aftermath of cancer better than me, etc. Basically anyone! I am mad at myself for these sinful thoughts and feel rather helpless in dealing with them. They attack me when I am tired in this forever changing spring weather. It takes up quite a bit of my energy fighting "the sin that so easily entangles." (Heb 12:1)

This envy/jealousy may also be due to my recent preparation for a new Sunday school class on mid-adulthood development. In the process I am mourning losses as well as some unfulfilled wishes and dreams. I am praying to lay it on the altar and move on, looking ahead to live life following Him.

I have been praying Psalm 103:1-5 a lot since I had cancer last year.

1 Bless the Lord, O my soul, And all that is within me, bless His holy name.
2 Bless the Lord, O my soul, And forget none of His benefits;
3 Who pardons all your iniquities,
Who heals all your diseases;
4 Who redeems your life from the pit,
Who crowns you with lovingkindness and compassion;
5 Who satisfies your years with good things, So that your youth is renewed like the eagle. NASU

These days I have been praying verse 5 quite a lot – asking the Lord to satisfy my years with good things, i.e. good things according to Him rather than my desires. I pray that I would receive every good thing only from His hands and be content with them rather than desiring what appears to be good in my eyes (-- unfortunately there are plenty!)

The Easter message this year is for me to follow Jesus regardless, to love Him only and to feed his sheep. Although I am working on being a cheerful helper, I cannot serve God through others. I am to respond to God’s call alone regardless of others, to love Him and to follow Him.

This entry may seem a bit weird and disorganized. It reflects my current state.

April 6 Waiting on the Lord

Today I was delighted to find this file I had looked for many times. This is from a card (and by Roy Lessin) - I even searched his web page to find this prose.

As you wait upon the Lord,
you learn to see things from
His perspective, move at
His pace, and function under
His directives.
Waiting times are growing times and learning times.
As you quiet your heart, you enter His peace;
as you sense your weakness, you receive His strength;
as you lay down your will, you hear His calling.
When you mount up, you are being lifted by the wind of His Spirit…
When you move ahead, you are sensitive to His timing…
When you act, you give yourself only to the things He has asked you to do.
(Roy Lessin)

I am indeed waiting on the Lord for future direction. Remember me in prayer as I yearn to follow the Lord's leading step-by-step. May the Lord revive us with His love during Easter.

March 21 Cancer-free license renewal

Today I visited the doctor to check the ultrasound results. Praise God there is no change from last time - so I have a renewed my cancer-free license for 3 months! I recalled that during chemotherapy my entire focus was to get myself ready for the next shot every 3 weeks. Now it is check-up every 3 months and so I should not complain!

Afterwards I visited a tourist site near the medical building. Last year I cried at this spot after receiving the bad news. I was alone before Him. I cried and reflected on my "short" life and all my "unfinished" businesses. Today I worshipped the Lord there and remembered that I had laid all my unfulfilled wishes and unfinished businesses on the altar. I thanked Him for His goodness and mercy. I want to love Him and hold onto His love until I would see Him in eternity.

I finished my Forgiveness Sunday School course yesterday. I praise God for this privilege to share with brothers and sisters their life journey. Many of them are eager to obey His commandment to learn to forgive. In particular I thank God for Hanson - He is 88 years old and he needs to walk slowly with a crutch. He only missed one class due to sickness and he asked for the class notes for the missed session! He was always on time, sitting in the 1st row and actively particpated in bible study and small group discussions. I acknowledged him in class yesterday as an inspiring role model. I don't think I would live that long but if the Lord would bless me with such long life, I pray that I would be learning like Hanson each and everyday.

Thank you for all your prayers and kind words!

March 17 Surgery Anniversary

Today is the anniversary of my surgery; one year has gone by!

This week has started off a bit difficult. During Sunday Schoo, I shared again on trusting God's sovereign will in our lives. On Monday I "fell apart" when I lost files from my USB and some other event did not work out as planned. I was so disappointed, partly because I might have misunderstood the Lord's direction. So the lesson was to trust in His soverign will even when I felt misled in the "wrong" direction. On Tuesday I went to have an ultrasound (the 3 month monitoring of my breast lump.) It aroused fears of cancer recurrence, another mastectonmy and many other anxieties. Do I trust in His sovereign will that His plan is not one to harm us but to heal us and be near to us (even if cancer comes back)?? On Wednesday after class, I felt like I could not pull myself together for the bible study with mainland students. I ordered pizza for dinner with them (and ate 3 slices myself); we then discussed the existence of God from the philosophical point of view. It was pretty meaningful, particularly in light of the catastrophe in Japan. Today I managed my morning section of classes and felt like I could finally crash for a little while to self examine.

Despite all that, the Lord's has His blessings and I want to be thankful. First, I came across a former breast cancer patient's blog when doing internet search on the existence of God. The journal was in the 1980s and praise God she is still living. I could identify with her experiences so much it was like a message from the Lord himself affirming me that He understands. The blog alleviated my guilty feelings on not being able to fully trust in God's sovereign will. However I learn that embracing His sovereign will requires us to embrace our own fears of mortality and frailty. Once again I humbled before Him.

Second, I received a former colleague's email (out of the blue moon) and learned about 2 people having breast cancer. One was a former student who did not manage to finish her doctorate due to the severe treatment. It is very very sad and my heart goes out to her and her young daughter. Although it is sad but I am also reminded that my battle is really not tougher than anyone. God has been there for me throughout. Once again I am humbled before Him - thank God for His love.

As I tried to re-orient myself on this anniversary, again I bow myself before Him. I remembered this paragraph (from Thomas Merton's No Man is an Island) that I had recently shared with a friend:

In order to settle down in the quiet of our own being we must learn to be detached from the results of our own activity. We must withdraw ourselves, to some extent, from effects that are beyond our control and be content with the good will and the work that are the quiet expression of our inner life. We must be content to live without watching ourselves live, to work without expecting an immediate reward, to love without an instantaneous satisfaction, and to exist without any special recognition.

It is therefore a very great thing to be little, which is to say, to be ourselves.

I pray that I can be contented with being little, i.e. to be me. Help me live a simple life loving you.