These days I have been re-reading my blog last year during my chemotherapy. There are also lots of additional reminders from devotions, sermons, bible study, etc. I noted that the Lord’s spiritual blessings during the treatment time were amazingly rich. Just as I began to doubt whether my walk with the Lord was as close as my “retreat time” last year, the Lord showed me His presence is just as wonderful and He has continued to work in my life. Praise Him!
Psalm 138:8 is a verse that has touched me deeply last year. Today it is just as refreshing! Here are 4 differnt translations:
NIV: The Lord will fulfill [his purpose] for me; your love, O Lord, endures forever —
do not abandon the works of your hands.
NASU: The Lord will accomplish what concerns me; Your lovingkindness, O Lord, is everlasting; Do not forsake the works of Your hands.
New Living Translation: The Lord will work out his plans for my life for your faithful love, O Lord, endures forever. Don't abandon me, for you made me.
NKJV
The Lord will perfect that which concerns me; Your mercy, O Lord, endures forever; Do not forsake the works of Your hands.
Isn't this a wonderful promise?! Today my prayer is that He will perfect my love for Him and for others. I am totally helpless regarding that. Our "love" is so entangled with our own unconscious desires, our self-seeking motives and our sins & pathologies that it cannot be pure. Only God can perfect that which concerns me. He will not forsake me. He will accomplish!
Sunday, May 22, 2011
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
May 4th Celebrating an anniversary
The semester is almost over (currently it is exam and paper grading time) and I am much more relaxed now. Thus the irrational jealous feelings and negative thoughts somewhat subsided. It reminds me how stress is not only bad for our bodies, but also potentially bad for our souls as well. Nevertheless it is an opportunity for us to face who we are, our sinful nature and our frailty.
The only path to combat jealous feelings, negative thoughts and ultimately sin is to rely on the Lord and surrender to His sovereignty over us. When we actively yearn for the Lord’s love, He will become the only desire of our heart. When we seek His love for others, He will fill us with His love and there will be little room for jealousy and selfishness. When we are actively engaging in good deeds, we will be too busy to do bad things. It may not be easy though. It reminds me that in order to be a cheerful helper – the source of cheerfulness must be from Him.
Today was an anniversary too – last year May 4th I had my first chemotherapy shot. Today I paused to remember the Lord’s goodness; how He had carried me through and taught me to trust in Him.
Someone I knew died of a heart attack at 55. It is sad. He has so much more to contribute to the profession as well as to the church. I wondered again how many more years I would have. The Lord has His timing. Once more I commit my life in his hands. May he help me live each day for His sake and in His love!
The only path to combat jealous feelings, negative thoughts and ultimately sin is to rely on the Lord and surrender to His sovereignty over us. When we actively yearn for the Lord’s love, He will become the only desire of our heart. When we seek His love for others, He will fill us with His love and there will be little room for jealousy and selfishness. When we are actively engaging in good deeds, we will be too busy to do bad things. It may not be easy though. It reminds me that in order to be a cheerful helper – the source of cheerfulness must be from Him.
Today was an anniversary too – last year May 4th I had my first chemotherapy shot. Today I paused to remember the Lord’s goodness; how He had carried me through and taught me to trust in Him.
Someone I knew died of a heart attack at 55. It is sad. He has so much more to contribute to the profession as well as to the church. I wondered again how many more years I would have. The Lord has His timing. Once more I commit my life in his hands. May he help me live each day for His sake and in His love!
Monday, April 25, 2011
April 25 Easter reflections
As I waited on the Lord this Easter, I did receive an “Easter message” from Him. It is however not particularly pleasant. It is from John 21. After Peter responded to Jesus asking him three times whether he loved Him, Peter inquired about the future of John. The Lord replied, what is that to you? You must follow me."
[John 21:21-23 Then Peter saw him (John), he asked, "Lord, what about him?" 22 Jesus answered, "If I want him to remain alive until I return, what is that to you? You must follow me." NIV]
This message was somewhat like a chider, reminding me that I must follow Him regardless of others. I note that I need a lot of affirmation from others. I easily become anxious when I do not measure up with peers. I also look to others to meet my needs instead of relying solely on the Lord. Worst still, lately I have some irrational envy and jealousy towards others – my primary schoolmates’ wealth, my friends who have a family (children), others’ adorable or youthful looks, people who are smarter than me, others coping with the aftermath of cancer better than me, etc. Basically anyone! I am mad at myself for these sinful thoughts and feel rather helpless in dealing with them. They attack me when I am tired in this forever changing spring weather. It takes up quite a bit of my energy fighting "the sin that so easily entangles." (Heb 12:1)
This envy/jealousy may also be due to my recent preparation for a new Sunday school class on mid-adulthood development. In the process I am mourning losses as well as some unfulfilled wishes and dreams. I am praying to lay it on the altar and move on, looking ahead to live life following Him.
I have been praying Psalm 103:1-5 a lot since I had cancer last year.
1 Bless the Lord, O my soul, And all that is within me, bless His holy name.
2 Bless the Lord, O my soul, And forget none of His benefits;
3 Who pardons all your iniquities,
Who heals all your diseases;
4 Who redeems your life from the pit,
Who crowns you with lovingkindness and compassion;
5 Who satisfies your years with good things, So that your youth is renewed like the eagle. NASU
These days I have been praying verse 5 quite a lot – asking the Lord to satisfy my years with good things, i.e. good things according to Him rather than my desires. I pray that I would receive every good thing only from His hands and be content with them rather than desiring what appears to be good in my eyes (-- unfortunately there are plenty!)
The Easter message this year is for me to follow Jesus regardless, to love Him only and to feed his sheep. Although I am working on being a cheerful helper, I cannot serve God through others. I am to respond to God’s call alone regardless of others, to love Him and to follow Him.
This entry may seem a bit weird and disorganized. It reflects my current state.
[John 21:21-23 Then Peter saw him (John), he asked, "Lord, what about him?" 22 Jesus answered, "If I want him to remain alive until I return, what is that to you? You must follow me." NIV]
This message was somewhat like a chider, reminding me that I must follow Him regardless of others. I note that I need a lot of affirmation from others. I easily become anxious when I do not measure up with peers. I also look to others to meet my needs instead of relying solely on the Lord. Worst still, lately I have some irrational envy and jealousy towards others – my primary schoolmates’ wealth, my friends who have a family (children), others’ adorable or youthful looks, people who are smarter than me, others coping with the aftermath of cancer better than me, etc. Basically anyone! I am mad at myself for these sinful thoughts and feel rather helpless in dealing with them. They attack me when I am tired in this forever changing spring weather. It takes up quite a bit of my energy fighting "the sin that so easily entangles." (Heb 12:1)
This envy/jealousy may also be due to my recent preparation for a new Sunday school class on mid-adulthood development. In the process I am mourning losses as well as some unfulfilled wishes and dreams. I am praying to lay it on the altar and move on, looking ahead to live life following Him.
I have been praying Psalm 103:1-5 a lot since I had cancer last year.
1 Bless the Lord, O my soul, And all that is within me, bless His holy name.
2 Bless the Lord, O my soul, And forget none of His benefits;
3 Who pardons all your iniquities,
Who heals all your diseases;
4 Who redeems your life from the pit,
Who crowns you with lovingkindness and compassion;
5 Who satisfies your years with good things, So that your youth is renewed like the eagle. NASU
These days I have been praying verse 5 quite a lot – asking the Lord to satisfy my years with good things, i.e. good things according to Him rather than my desires. I pray that I would receive every good thing only from His hands and be content with them rather than desiring what appears to be good in my eyes (-- unfortunately there are plenty!)
The Easter message this year is for me to follow Jesus regardless, to love Him only and to feed his sheep. Although I am working on being a cheerful helper, I cannot serve God through others. I am to respond to God’s call alone regardless of others, to love Him and to follow Him.
This entry may seem a bit weird and disorganized. It reflects my current state.
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
April 6 Waiting on the Lord
Today I was delighted to find this file I had looked for many times. This is from a card (and by Roy Lessin) - I even searched his web page to find this prose.
As you wait upon the Lord,
you learn to see things from
His perspective, move at
His pace, and function under
His directives.
Waiting times are growing times and learning times.
As you quiet your heart, you enter His peace;
as you sense your weakness, you receive His strength;
as you lay down your will, you hear His calling.
When you mount up, you are being lifted by the wind of His Spirit…
When you move ahead, you are sensitive to His timing…
When you act, you give yourself only to the things He has asked you to do.
(Roy Lessin)
I am indeed waiting on the Lord for future direction. Remember me in prayer as I yearn to follow the Lord's leading step-by-step. May the Lord revive us with His love during Easter.
As you wait upon the Lord,
you learn to see things from
His perspective, move at
His pace, and function under
His directives.
Waiting times are growing times and learning times.
As you quiet your heart, you enter His peace;
as you sense your weakness, you receive His strength;
as you lay down your will, you hear His calling.
When you mount up, you are being lifted by the wind of His Spirit…
When you move ahead, you are sensitive to His timing…
When you act, you give yourself only to the things He has asked you to do.
(Roy Lessin)
I am indeed waiting on the Lord for future direction. Remember me in prayer as I yearn to follow the Lord's leading step-by-step. May the Lord revive us with His love during Easter.
Monday, March 21, 2011
March 21 Cancer-free license renewal
Today I visited the doctor to check the ultrasound results. Praise God there is no change from last time - so I have a renewed my cancer-free license for 3 months! I recalled that during chemotherapy my entire focus was to get myself ready for the next shot every 3 weeks. Now it is check-up every 3 months and so I should not complain!
Afterwards I visited a tourist site near the medical building. Last year I cried at this spot after receiving the bad news. I was alone before Him. I cried and reflected on my "short" life and all my "unfinished" businesses. Today I worshipped the Lord there and remembered that I had laid all my unfulfilled wishes and unfinished businesses on the altar. I thanked Him for His goodness and mercy. I want to love Him and hold onto His love until I would see Him in eternity.
I finished my Forgiveness Sunday School course yesterday. I praise God for this privilege to share with brothers and sisters their life journey. Many of them are eager to obey His commandment to learn to forgive. In particular I thank God for Hanson - He is 88 years old and he needs to walk slowly with a crutch. He only missed one class due to sickness and he asked for the class notes for the missed session! He was always on time, sitting in the 1st row and actively particpated in bible study and small group discussions. I acknowledged him in class yesterday as an inspiring role model. I don't think I would live that long but if the Lord would bless me with such long life, I pray that I would be learning like Hanson each and everyday.
Thank you for all your prayers and kind words!
Afterwards I visited a tourist site near the medical building. Last year I cried at this spot after receiving the bad news. I was alone before Him. I cried and reflected on my "short" life and all my "unfinished" businesses. Today I worshipped the Lord there and remembered that I had laid all my unfulfilled wishes and unfinished businesses on the altar. I thanked Him for His goodness and mercy. I want to love Him and hold onto His love until I would see Him in eternity.
I finished my Forgiveness Sunday School course yesterday. I praise God for this privilege to share with brothers and sisters their life journey. Many of them are eager to obey His commandment to learn to forgive. In particular I thank God for Hanson - He is 88 years old and he needs to walk slowly with a crutch. He only missed one class due to sickness and he asked for the class notes for the missed session! He was always on time, sitting in the 1st row and actively particpated in bible study and small group discussions. I acknowledged him in class yesterday as an inspiring role model. I don't think I would live that long but if the Lord would bless me with such long life, I pray that I would be learning like Hanson each and everyday.
Thank you for all your prayers and kind words!
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
March 17 Surgery Anniversary
Today is the anniversary of my surgery; one year has gone by!
This week has started off a bit difficult. During Sunday Schoo, I shared again on trusting God's sovereign will in our lives. On Monday I "fell apart" when I lost files from my USB and some other event did not work out as planned. I was so disappointed, partly because I might have misunderstood the Lord's direction. So the lesson was to trust in His soverign will even when I felt misled in the "wrong" direction. On Tuesday I went to have an ultrasound (the 3 month monitoring of my breast lump.) It aroused fears of cancer recurrence, another mastectonmy and many other anxieties. Do I trust in His sovereign will that His plan is not one to harm us but to heal us and be near to us (even if cancer comes back)?? On Wednesday after class, I felt like I could not pull myself together for the bible study with mainland students. I ordered pizza for dinner with them (and ate 3 slices myself); we then discussed the existence of God from the philosophical point of view. It was pretty meaningful, particularly in light of the catastrophe in Japan. Today I managed my morning section of classes and felt like I could finally crash for a little while to self examine.
Despite all that, the Lord's has His blessings and I want to be thankful. First, I came across a former breast cancer patient's blog when doing internet search on the existence of God. The journal was in the 1980s and praise God she is still living. I could identify with her experiences so much it was like a message from the Lord himself affirming me that He understands. The blog alleviated my guilty feelings on not being able to fully trust in God's sovereign will. However I learn that embracing His sovereign will requires us to embrace our own fears of mortality and frailty. Once again I humbled before Him.
Second, I received a former colleague's email (out of the blue moon) and learned about 2 people having breast cancer. One was a former student who did not manage to finish her doctorate due to the severe treatment. It is very very sad and my heart goes out to her and her young daughter. Although it is sad but I am also reminded that my battle is really not tougher than anyone. God has been there for me throughout. Once again I am humbled before Him - thank God for His love.
As I tried to re-orient myself on this anniversary, again I bow myself before Him. I remembered this paragraph (from Thomas Merton's No Man is an Island) that I had recently shared with a friend:
In order to settle down in the quiet of our own being we must learn to be detached from the results of our own activity. We must withdraw ourselves, to some extent, from effects that are beyond our control and be content with the good will and the work that are the quiet expression of our inner life. We must be content to live without watching ourselves live, to work without expecting an immediate reward, to love without an instantaneous satisfaction, and to exist without any special recognition.
It is therefore a very great thing to be little, which is to say, to be ourselves.
I pray that I can be contented with being little, i.e. to be me. Help me live a simple life loving you.
This week has started off a bit difficult. During Sunday Schoo, I shared again on trusting God's sovereign will in our lives. On Monday I "fell apart" when I lost files from my USB and some other event did not work out as planned. I was so disappointed, partly because I might have misunderstood the Lord's direction. So the lesson was to trust in His soverign will even when I felt misled in the "wrong" direction. On Tuesday I went to have an ultrasound (the 3 month monitoring of my breast lump.) It aroused fears of cancer recurrence, another mastectonmy and many other anxieties. Do I trust in His sovereign will that His plan is not one to harm us but to heal us and be near to us (even if cancer comes back)?? On Wednesday after class, I felt like I could not pull myself together for the bible study with mainland students. I ordered pizza for dinner with them (and ate 3 slices myself); we then discussed the existence of God from the philosophical point of view. It was pretty meaningful, particularly in light of the catastrophe in Japan. Today I managed my morning section of classes and felt like I could finally crash for a little while to self examine.
Despite all that, the Lord's has His blessings and I want to be thankful. First, I came across a former breast cancer patient's blog when doing internet search on the existence of God. The journal was in the 1980s and praise God she is still living. I could identify with her experiences so much it was like a message from the Lord himself affirming me that He understands. The blog alleviated my guilty feelings on not being able to fully trust in God's sovereign will. However I learn that embracing His sovereign will requires us to embrace our own fears of mortality and frailty. Once again I humbled before Him.
Second, I received a former colleague's email (out of the blue moon) and learned about 2 people having breast cancer. One was a former student who did not manage to finish her doctorate due to the severe treatment. It is very very sad and my heart goes out to her and her young daughter. Although it is sad but I am also reminded that my battle is really not tougher than anyone. God has been there for me throughout. Once again I am humbled before Him - thank God for His love.
As I tried to re-orient myself on this anniversary, again I bow myself before Him. I remembered this paragraph (from Thomas Merton's No Man is an Island) that I had recently shared with a friend:
In order to settle down in the quiet of our own being we must learn to be detached from the results of our own activity. We must withdraw ourselves, to some extent, from effects that are beyond our control and be content with the good will and the work that are the quiet expression of our inner life. We must be content to live without watching ourselves live, to work without expecting an immediate reward, to love without an instantaneous satisfaction, and to exist without any special recognition.
It is therefore a very great thing to be little, which is to say, to be ourselves.
I pray that I can be contented with being little, i.e. to be me. Help me live a simple life loving you.
Monday, March 14, 2011
March 14th My Husband the Cheerful Helper
Today I read my blog entry on my goodfightdoris.blogspot.com last year March 14. I wrote about Victor and me. So today I would write about us again.
Let me share with you our landmark day last Saturday (March 12, 2011). Victor was invited to speak in an evangelistic meeting at a large church and somehow he was not able to decline. I don’t think he has the gift for evangelism. However we cannot only choose tasks we are “good at," and we must do our best to be faithful.
On that day I had a very bad day, physically fatigued, emotionally drained and spiritually on trial. So he went to the pier to pick me up, then got me lunch, massaged my sore shoulder, accompanied me to the pool to exercise, boiled my herbal medicine, cooked dinner and washed dishes. Then we went to church together. He was his usual self preaching the Word of God, following the bible passage closely. I had never heard him preach from such as distance and he looked good on screen despite the grey hair! I told him afterwards that he got a perfect rating from me – not only because he did a fine job preaching a difficult passage but also because he was able to take care of me doing all the tasks cheerfully before getting himself ready for the preaching in the evening.
As I was looking at mu husband from a distance in the audience, I thank the Lord for him. One year ago I wrote on the blog that I did not want to lose my earning power so that he would not need to choose a ministry to support me. Today I note that he can choose whatever ministries he wants to because I can see the Lord leading him. One year ago I was not too sure how he can handle my having cancer. Today I note that he certainly has learned to take good care of me.
I am once again amazed how the illness has made us stronger together in the Lord. The Lord has certainly blessed both of us! It is a landmark day because I feel like he is my cheerful helper too. In the past I felt some pressure to be his helper - now I feel more confident that the Lord will direct us to help each other.
Let me share with you our landmark day last Saturday (March 12, 2011). Victor was invited to speak in an evangelistic meeting at a large church and somehow he was not able to decline. I don’t think he has the gift for evangelism. However we cannot only choose tasks we are “good at," and we must do our best to be faithful.
On that day I had a very bad day, physically fatigued, emotionally drained and spiritually on trial. So he went to the pier to pick me up, then got me lunch, massaged my sore shoulder, accompanied me to the pool to exercise, boiled my herbal medicine, cooked dinner and washed dishes. Then we went to church together. He was his usual self preaching the Word of God, following the bible passage closely. I had never heard him preach from such as distance and he looked good on screen despite the grey hair! I told him afterwards that he got a perfect rating from me – not only because he did a fine job preaching a difficult passage but also because he was able to take care of me doing all the tasks cheerfully before getting himself ready for the preaching in the evening.
As I was looking at mu husband from a distance in the audience, I thank the Lord for him. One year ago I wrote on the blog that I did not want to lose my earning power so that he would not need to choose a ministry to support me. Today I note that he can choose whatever ministries he wants to because I can see the Lord leading him. One year ago I was not too sure how he can handle my having cancer. Today I note that he certainly has learned to take good care of me.
I am once again amazed how the illness has made us stronger together in the Lord. The Lord has certainly blessed both of us! It is a landmark day because I feel like he is my cheerful helper too. In the past I felt some pressure to be his helper - now I feel more confident that the Lord will direct us to help each other.
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