Today I visited the doctor to check the ultrasound results. Praise God there is no change from last time - so I have a renewed my cancer-free license for 3 months! I recalled that during chemotherapy my entire focus was to get myself ready for the next shot every 3 weeks. Now it is check-up every 3 months and so I should not complain!
Afterwards I visited a tourist site near the medical building. Last year I cried at this spot after receiving the bad news. I was alone before Him. I cried and reflected on my "short" life and all my "unfinished" businesses. Today I worshipped the Lord there and remembered that I had laid all my unfulfilled wishes and unfinished businesses on the altar. I thanked Him for His goodness and mercy. I want to love Him and hold onto His love until I would see Him in eternity.
I finished my Forgiveness Sunday School course yesterday. I praise God for this privilege to share with brothers and sisters their life journey. Many of them are eager to obey His commandment to learn to forgive. In particular I thank God for Hanson - He is 88 years old and he needs to walk slowly with a crutch. He only missed one class due to sickness and he asked for the class notes for the missed session! He was always on time, sitting in the 1st row and actively particpated in bible study and small group discussions. I acknowledged him in class yesterday as an inspiring role model. I don't think I would live that long but if the Lord would bless me with such long life, I pray that I would be learning like Hanson each and everyday.
Thank you for all your prayers and kind words!
Monday, March 21, 2011
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
March 17 Surgery Anniversary
Today is the anniversary of my surgery; one year has gone by!
This week has started off a bit difficult. During Sunday Schoo, I shared again on trusting God's sovereign will in our lives. On Monday I "fell apart" when I lost files from my USB and some other event did not work out as planned. I was so disappointed, partly because I might have misunderstood the Lord's direction. So the lesson was to trust in His soverign will even when I felt misled in the "wrong" direction. On Tuesday I went to have an ultrasound (the 3 month monitoring of my breast lump.) It aroused fears of cancer recurrence, another mastectonmy and many other anxieties. Do I trust in His sovereign will that His plan is not one to harm us but to heal us and be near to us (even if cancer comes back)?? On Wednesday after class, I felt like I could not pull myself together for the bible study with mainland students. I ordered pizza for dinner with them (and ate 3 slices myself); we then discussed the existence of God from the philosophical point of view. It was pretty meaningful, particularly in light of the catastrophe in Japan. Today I managed my morning section of classes and felt like I could finally crash for a little while to self examine.
Despite all that, the Lord's has His blessings and I want to be thankful. First, I came across a former breast cancer patient's blog when doing internet search on the existence of God. The journal was in the 1980s and praise God she is still living. I could identify with her experiences so much it was like a message from the Lord himself affirming me that He understands. The blog alleviated my guilty feelings on not being able to fully trust in God's sovereign will. However I learn that embracing His sovereign will requires us to embrace our own fears of mortality and frailty. Once again I humbled before Him.
Second, I received a former colleague's email (out of the blue moon) and learned about 2 people having breast cancer. One was a former student who did not manage to finish her doctorate due to the severe treatment. It is very very sad and my heart goes out to her and her young daughter. Although it is sad but I am also reminded that my battle is really not tougher than anyone. God has been there for me throughout. Once again I am humbled before Him - thank God for His love.
As I tried to re-orient myself on this anniversary, again I bow myself before Him. I remembered this paragraph (from Thomas Merton's No Man is an Island) that I had recently shared with a friend:
In order to settle down in the quiet of our own being we must learn to be detached from the results of our own activity. We must withdraw ourselves, to some extent, from effects that are beyond our control and be content with the good will and the work that are the quiet expression of our inner life. We must be content to live without watching ourselves live, to work without expecting an immediate reward, to love without an instantaneous satisfaction, and to exist without any special recognition.
It is therefore a very great thing to be little, which is to say, to be ourselves.
I pray that I can be contented with being little, i.e. to be me. Help me live a simple life loving you.
This week has started off a bit difficult. During Sunday Schoo, I shared again on trusting God's sovereign will in our lives. On Monday I "fell apart" when I lost files from my USB and some other event did not work out as planned. I was so disappointed, partly because I might have misunderstood the Lord's direction. So the lesson was to trust in His soverign will even when I felt misled in the "wrong" direction. On Tuesday I went to have an ultrasound (the 3 month monitoring of my breast lump.) It aroused fears of cancer recurrence, another mastectonmy and many other anxieties. Do I trust in His sovereign will that His plan is not one to harm us but to heal us and be near to us (even if cancer comes back)?? On Wednesday after class, I felt like I could not pull myself together for the bible study with mainland students. I ordered pizza for dinner with them (and ate 3 slices myself); we then discussed the existence of God from the philosophical point of view. It was pretty meaningful, particularly in light of the catastrophe in Japan. Today I managed my morning section of classes and felt like I could finally crash for a little while to self examine.
Despite all that, the Lord's has His blessings and I want to be thankful. First, I came across a former breast cancer patient's blog when doing internet search on the existence of God. The journal was in the 1980s and praise God she is still living. I could identify with her experiences so much it was like a message from the Lord himself affirming me that He understands. The blog alleviated my guilty feelings on not being able to fully trust in God's sovereign will. However I learn that embracing His sovereign will requires us to embrace our own fears of mortality and frailty. Once again I humbled before Him.
Second, I received a former colleague's email (out of the blue moon) and learned about 2 people having breast cancer. One was a former student who did not manage to finish her doctorate due to the severe treatment. It is very very sad and my heart goes out to her and her young daughter. Although it is sad but I am also reminded that my battle is really not tougher than anyone. God has been there for me throughout. Once again I am humbled before Him - thank God for His love.
As I tried to re-orient myself on this anniversary, again I bow myself before Him. I remembered this paragraph (from Thomas Merton's No Man is an Island) that I had recently shared with a friend:
In order to settle down in the quiet of our own being we must learn to be detached from the results of our own activity. We must withdraw ourselves, to some extent, from effects that are beyond our control and be content with the good will and the work that are the quiet expression of our inner life. We must be content to live without watching ourselves live, to work without expecting an immediate reward, to love without an instantaneous satisfaction, and to exist without any special recognition.
It is therefore a very great thing to be little, which is to say, to be ourselves.
I pray that I can be contented with being little, i.e. to be me. Help me live a simple life loving you.
Monday, March 14, 2011
March 14th My Husband the Cheerful Helper
Today I read my blog entry on my goodfightdoris.blogspot.com last year March 14. I wrote about Victor and me. So today I would write about us again.
Let me share with you our landmark day last Saturday (March 12, 2011). Victor was invited to speak in an evangelistic meeting at a large church and somehow he was not able to decline. I don’t think he has the gift for evangelism. However we cannot only choose tasks we are “good at," and we must do our best to be faithful.
On that day I had a very bad day, physically fatigued, emotionally drained and spiritually on trial. So he went to the pier to pick me up, then got me lunch, massaged my sore shoulder, accompanied me to the pool to exercise, boiled my herbal medicine, cooked dinner and washed dishes. Then we went to church together. He was his usual self preaching the Word of God, following the bible passage closely. I had never heard him preach from such as distance and he looked good on screen despite the grey hair! I told him afterwards that he got a perfect rating from me – not only because he did a fine job preaching a difficult passage but also because he was able to take care of me doing all the tasks cheerfully before getting himself ready for the preaching in the evening.
As I was looking at mu husband from a distance in the audience, I thank the Lord for him. One year ago I wrote on the blog that I did not want to lose my earning power so that he would not need to choose a ministry to support me. Today I note that he can choose whatever ministries he wants to because I can see the Lord leading him. One year ago I was not too sure how he can handle my having cancer. Today I note that he certainly has learned to take good care of me.
I am once again amazed how the illness has made us stronger together in the Lord. The Lord has certainly blessed both of us! It is a landmark day because I feel like he is my cheerful helper too. In the past I felt some pressure to be his helper - now I feel more confident that the Lord will direct us to help each other.
Let me share with you our landmark day last Saturday (March 12, 2011). Victor was invited to speak in an evangelistic meeting at a large church and somehow he was not able to decline. I don’t think he has the gift for evangelism. However we cannot only choose tasks we are “good at," and we must do our best to be faithful.
On that day I had a very bad day, physically fatigued, emotionally drained and spiritually on trial. So he went to the pier to pick me up, then got me lunch, massaged my sore shoulder, accompanied me to the pool to exercise, boiled my herbal medicine, cooked dinner and washed dishes. Then we went to church together. He was his usual self preaching the Word of God, following the bible passage closely. I had never heard him preach from such as distance and he looked good on screen despite the grey hair! I told him afterwards that he got a perfect rating from me – not only because he did a fine job preaching a difficult passage but also because he was able to take care of me doing all the tasks cheerfully before getting himself ready for the preaching in the evening.
As I was looking at mu husband from a distance in the audience, I thank the Lord for him. One year ago I wrote on the blog that I did not want to lose my earning power so that he would not need to choose a ministry to support me. Today I note that he can choose whatever ministries he wants to because I can see the Lord leading him. One year ago I was not too sure how he can handle my having cancer. Today I note that he certainly has learned to take good care of me.
I am once again amazed how the illness has made us stronger together in the Lord. The Lord has certainly blessed both of us! It is a landmark day because I feel like he is my cheerful helper too. In the past I felt some pressure to be his helper - now I feel more confident that the Lord will direct us to help each other.
Monday, February 28, 2011
March 1 Lesson on His Sovereign Will
Last week when I prepared for my Sunday school course, the lesson on Joseph forgiving his brothers touched me deeply. You have to read quite a number of chapters in Genesis to get the whole story about Joseph's journey. This is the verse that summarizes a lot:
Genesis 45:19-21:
[19 But Joseph said to them, "Don't be afraid. Am I in the place of God? 20 You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives. 21 So then, don't be afraid. I will provide for you and your children." And he reassured them and spoke kindly to them.]
There are 2 things I noted:
1) Joseph embraced the sovereign will of God: “Am I in the place of God?” - Joseph acknowledged his place as human and therefore he should not pass judgement on others or circumstances in the place of God. Joseph would not take matters in his own hands as if he had the right to pay back his brothers. While his brothers had intended to harm him, God had intended good. Our God alone is in control of all things and all things work in Him for the good of those who love him. Let's trust in His sovereign will for us and for His creation!
2) The “good” God intended was not about Joseph leading a happily-ever-after life when he was finally elevated to a powerful position as ruler of Eygpt (45:8). Rather it was the accomplishment of God’s will - the saving of many lives. [May He use us to bring salvation even to those who have intended to hurt or harm us!] Joseph's journey to reunite with his family was a painful one. Weeping occurred quite a few times in describing Joseph 42:24, 30(2 times), 45:14 (2 times), 45:19, 46:29, 50:1, 3, 17. Yet it was not about his personal fulfillment and success that moved him deeply. The ultimate joy for Joseph was not his personal advancement but in the saving of many lives according to God's plan.
One more time I surrender myself to God’s sovereign will in my life. The Lord has blessed me and comforted me with Isaiah 54:16-17 on weekend:
16 "See, it is I who created the blacksmith who fans the coals into flame and forges a weapon fit for its work. And it is I who have created the destroyer to work havoc;
17 no weapon forged against you will prevail, and you will refute every tongue that accuses you.
This is the heritage of the servants of the Lord, and this is their vindication from me," declares the Lord.
God is sovereign. He is the creator of all things. He can restrain harmful things in our lives. He can also use them to achieve His own purpose.
In the meantime I have been busy enjoying everything – good food, fellowship, ministry, devotional reading, etc. Thank you for all your kind words and support!
Genesis 45:19-21:
[19 But Joseph said to them, "Don't be afraid. Am I in the place of God? 20 You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives. 21 So then, don't be afraid. I will provide for you and your children." And he reassured them and spoke kindly to them.]
There are 2 things I noted:
1) Joseph embraced the sovereign will of God: “Am I in the place of God?” - Joseph acknowledged his place as human and therefore he should not pass judgement on others or circumstances in the place of God. Joseph would not take matters in his own hands as if he had the right to pay back his brothers. While his brothers had intended to harm him, God had intended good. Our God alone is in control of all things and all things work in Him for the good of those who love him. Let's trust in His sovereign will for us and for His creation!
2) The “good” God intended was not about Joseph leading a happily-ever-after life when he was finally elevated to a powerful position as ruler of Eygpt (45:8). Rather it was the accomplishment of God’s will - the saving of many lives. [May He use us to bring salvation even to those who have intended to hurt or harm us!] Joseph's journey to reunite with his family was a painful one. Weeping occurred quite a few times in describing Joseph 42:24, 30(2 times), 45:14 (2 times), 45:19, 46:29, 50:1, 3, 17. Yet it was not about his personal fulfillment and success that moved him deeply. The ultimate joy for Joseph was not his personal advancement but in the saving of many lives according to God's plan.
One more time I surrender myself to God’s sovereign will in my life. The Lord has blessed me and comforted me with Isaiah 54:16-17 on weekend:
16 "See, it is I who created the blacksmith who fans the coals into flame and forges a weapon fit for its work. And it is I who have created the destroyer to work havoc;
17 no weapon forged against you will prevail, and you will refute every tongue that accuses you.
This is the heritage of the servants of the Lord, and this is their vindication from me," declares the Lord.
God is sovereign. He is the creator of all things. He can restrain harmful things in our lives. He can also use them to achieve His own purpose.
In the meantime I have been busy enjoying everything – good food, fellowship, ministry, devotional reading, etc. Thank you for all your kind words and support!
Friday, February 11, 2011
Psalm 131
Psalm 131
v.1 O Lord, my heart is not proud, nor my eyes haughty;
Nor do I involve myself in great matters,
Or in things too difficult for me.
v.2 Surely I have composed and quieted my soul;
Like a weaned child rests against his mother,
My soul is like a weaned child within me.
v.3 O Israel, hope in the Lord
From this time forth and forever. (NASB)
I went to the doctor at Princess Margaret Hospital on Chinese New Year Eve for check-up and I felt a sense of doom that the recurrence of cancer is inevitable. My immediate reaction - what I can (or should) do with my shortened life? The Lord granted me this Psalm on Chinese New Year’s Eve to sleep on.
This Psalm by David lifted my soul and yet grounded me back to reality. The circumstance has humbled me so that my heart is not proud and my eyes do not aim high. I do not need to always seek a challenging path or strive for excellence, significance, or success…
Lord, help me become grounded in your will and your way and be contented like a weaned child. I am praying to compose and silence my soul. The analogy of a weaned child is marvelous – no longer demanding the mother’s breast milk for immediate gratification or comfort. I have been a fussy demanding baby! But for now, let me learn to securely rest in the mother’s presence. Indeed His love is sufficient. His providence will give me what I really need. I can be satisfied with His good gifts.
v.1 O Lord, my heart is not proud, nor my eyes haughty;
Nor do I involve myself in great matters,
Or in things too difficult for me.
v.2 Surely I have composed and quieted my soul;
Like a weaned child rests against his mother,
My soul is like a weaned child within me.
v.3 O Israel, hope in the Lord
From this time forth and forever. (NASB)
I went to the doctor at Princess Margaret Hospital on Chinese New Year Eve for check-up and I felt a sense of doom that the recurrence of cancer is inevitable. My immediate reaction - what I can (or should) do with my shortened life? The Lord granted me this Psalm on Chinese New Year’s Eve to sleep on.
This Psalm by David lifted my soul and yet grounded me back to reality. The circumstance has humbled me so that my heart is not proud and my eyes do not aim high. I do not need to always seek a challenging path or strive for excellence, significance, or success…
Lord, help me become grounded in your will and your way and be contented like a weaned child. I am praying to compose and silence my soul. The analogy of a weaned child is marvelous – no longer demanding the mother’s breast milk for immediate gratification or comfort. I have been a fussy demanding baby! But for now, let me learn to securely rest in the mother’s presence. Indeed His love is sufficient. His providence will give me what I really need. I can be satisfied with His good gifts.
Monday, January 31, 2011
Jan 30 2011 Good and bad news
Hello! It has been a while and I finally managed to make a blog entry. I was swarmed with the new semester of work, preparing for new courses. So far I have been doing well – living joyfully each day and cherishing the things I get to do and the people I can be with.
Well I discovered a lump on my left breast a while ago and had given quite some thought to the recurrence of cancer. I had an ultrasound and then a mammogram. Yes, I do have a tumor (benign at this point) and there is additional calcification as compared to last year. I have to monitor closely and get another ultrasound in 2-3 months. These are not delightful news. However I am more determined to live life joyfully and do what the Lord wills. I re-read Hezekiah’s healing account and once again I committed myself to live humbly for the Lord in the days to come.
I am doing quite a few things during this time. I started the Sunday school class on forgiveness in early January and we are half-way through now into the 5th session. I also started the Bible study with mainland students a few weeks ago. [Do you know that last year around this time I discovered my breast lump while waiting for the students to come for the Bible study? So I did get a bit panicky on that day when they came for the Bible study. Déjà vu!] We are studying on the Parables of Christ and I started off with The Prodigal Son – I shared the Gospel directly [more aggressive as compared to last year.] Please pray that I can invite more students to come and that they would be prepared to receive His wonderful salvation.
Well I still have other plans! But perhaps the Lord is teaching me that I will need to renew this “license” every few months – I cannot be sure if the tumor would go the wrong way. James 4:13-16 “13 Now listen, you who say, "Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money." 14 Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. 15 Instead, you ought to say, "If it is the Lord's will, we will live and do this or that."
So I do ask for your faithful prayers – that the Lord will keep me cancer free. I am praying for courage to embrace His sovereign will in my life, whatever that may be. I am also praying for courage to embrace my bodily weakness, as well as other mental and spiritual weaknesses.
Have I been a cheerful helper? I would say YES! --- and placing my faith, hope and love in Him.
Well I discovered a lump on my left breast a while ago and had given quite some thought to the recurrence of cancer. I had an ultrasound and then a mammogram. Yes, I do have a tumor (benign at this point) and there is additional calcification as compared to last year. I have to monitor closely and get another ultrasound in 2-3 months. These are not delightful news. However I am more determined to live life joyfully and do what the Lord wills. I re-read Hezekiah’s healing account and once again I committed myself to live humbly for the Lord in the days to come.
I am doing quite a few things during this time. I started the Sunday school class on forgiveness in early January and we are half-way through now into the 5th session. I also started the Bible study with mainland students a few weeks ago. [Do you know that last year around this time I discovered my breast lump while waiting for the students to come for the Bible study? So I did get a bit panicky on that day when they came for the Bible study. Déjà vu!] We are studying on the Parables of Christ and I started off with The Prodigal Son – I shared the Gospel directly [more aggressive as compared to last year.] Please pray that I can invite more students to come and that they would be prepared to receive His wonderful salvation.
Well I still have other plans! But perhaps the Lord is teaching me that I will need to renew this “license” every few months – I cannot be sure if the tumor would go the wrong way. James 4:13-16 “13 Now listen, you who say, "Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money." 14 Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. 15 Instead, you ought to say, "If it is the Lord's will, we will live and do this or that."
So I do ask for your faithful prayers – that the Lord will keep me cancer free. I am praying for courage to embrace His sovereign will in my life, whatever that may be. I am also praying for courage to embrace my bodily weakness, as well as other mental and spiritual weaknesses.
Have I been a cheerful helper? I would say YES! --- and placing my faith, hope and love in Him.
Sunday, December 19, 2010
Dec 20 Mary, the Lord's Servant
I finally finished grading the students’ papers. I must say it was tiring. Not sure if they would carefully read my feedback; nevertheless I have to do my part faithfully.
This blog is different from my “Good Fight” blog. It is as if being a cheerful helper is optional. It is not urgent, not life or death. I am not as desperate soliciting for prayer support. This blog has become more of a personal spiritual discipline, helping me anchor and reflect so that I am not lost in busy activities. It keeps me accountable to you somehow, whoever you maybe.
This week I made a commitment to the Lord - to trust that the Holy Spirit’s leading is sufficient and that I only need to respond accordingly. I am so keenly aware of the limitations of my “analytical” mind. I cannot figure out many things – relationships, group dynamics, future plans, research projects, health management, etc.. Well this commitment should in some way be expected for Christ's followers! I have a renewed understanding as I ponder on Mary (and the Magnificat) during this Christmas season. Her response to the Angel Gabriel was amazing: “I am the Lord’s servant,” Mary answered. “May your word to me be fulfilled.” (Luke 1: 38) She embraced the blessed call with the most humble heart, without trying to fathom beyond what she was told.
In the Magnificat: “He has scattered the proud in the imagination of their hearts.”(New King James) OR [He has scattered those who are proud in their inmost thoughts. (NIV)] (Luke 1:51)
Dear Lord, scatter my proud imaginations. Purify my innermost thoughts and feelings! Help me not to try figure things out as if I can comprehend Your perfect will. Rather help me become your servant cheerfully, waiting for Your will to be fulfilled.
This blog is different from my “Good Fight” blog. It is as if being a cheerful helper is optional. It is not urgent, not life or death. I am not as desperate soliciting for prayer support. This blog has become more of a personal spiritual discipline, helping me anchor and reflect so that I am not lost in busy activities. It keeps me accountable to you somehow, whoever you maybe.
This week I made a commitment to the Lord - to trust that the Holy Spirit’s leading is sufficient and that I only need to respond accordingly. I am so keenly aware of the limitations of my “analytical” mind. I cannot figure out many things – relationships, group dynamics, future plans, research projects, health management, etc.. Well this commitment should in some way be expected for Christ's followers! I have a renewed understanding as I ponder on Mary (and the Magnificat) during this Christmas season. Her response to the Angel Gabriel was amazing: “I am the Lord’s servant,” Mary answered. “May your word to me be fulfilled.” (Luke 1: 38) She embraced the blessed call with the most humble heart, without trying to fathom beyond what she was told.
In the Magnificat: “He has scattered the proud in the imagination of their hearts.”(New King James) OR [He has scattered those who are proud in their inmost thoughts. (NIV)] (Luke 1:51)
Dear Lord, scatter my proud imaginations. Purify my innermost thoughts and feelings! Help me not to try figure things out as if I can comprehend Your perfect will. Rather help me become your servant cheerfully, waiting for Your will to be fulfilled.
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