April 25 Easter reflections

As I waited on the Lord this Easter, I did receive an “Easter message” from Him. It is however not particularly pleasant. It is from John 21. After Peter responded to Jesus asking him three times whether he loved Him, Peter inquired about the future of John. The Lord replied, what is that to you? You must follow me."

[John 21:21-23 Then Peter saw him (John), he asked, "Lord, what about him?" 22 Jesus answered, "If I want him to remain alive until I return, what is that to you? You must follow me." NIV]

This message was somewhat like a chider, reminding me that I must follow Him regardless of others. I note that I need a lot of affirmation from others. I easily become anxious when I do not measure up with peers. I also look to others to meet my needs instead of relying solely on the Lord. Worst still, lately I have some irrational envy and jealousy towards others – my primary schoolmates’ wealth, my friends who have a family (children), others’ adorable or youthful looks, people who are smarter than me, others coping with the aftermath of cancer better than me, etc. Basically anyone! I am mad at myself for these sinful thoughts and feel rather helpless in dealing with them. They attack me when I am tired in this forever changing spring weather. It takes up quite a bit of my energy fighting "the sin that so easily entangles." (Heb 12:1)

This envy/jealousy may also be due to my recent preparation for a new Sunday school class on mid-adulthood development. In the process I am mourning losses as well as some unfulfilled wishes and dreams. I am praying to lay it on the altar and move on, looking ahead to live life following Him.

I have been praying Psalm 103:1-5 a lot since I had cancer last year.

1 Bless the Lord, O my soul, And all that is within me, bless His holy name.
2 Bless the Lord, O my soul, And forget none of His benefits;
3 Who pardons all your iniquities,
Who heals all your diseases;
4 Who redeems your life from the pit,
Who crowns you with lovingkindness and compassion;
5 Who satisfies your years with good things, So that your youth is renewed like the eagle. NASU

These days I have been praying verse 5 quite a lot – asking the Lord to satisfy my years with good things, i.e. good things according to Him rather than my desires. I pray that I would receive every good thing only from His hands and be content with them rather than desiring what appears to be good in my eyes (-- unfortunately there are plenty!)

The Easter message this year is for me to follow Jesus regardless, to love Him only and to feed his sheep. Although I am working on being a cheerful helper, I cannot serve God through others. I am to respond to God’s call alone regardless of others, to love Him and to follow Him.

This entry may seem a bit weird and disorganized. It reflects my current state.

April 6 Waiting on the Lord

Today I was delighted to find this file I had looked for many times. This is from a card (and by Roy Lessin) - I even searched his web page to find this prose.

As you wait upon the Lord,
you learn to see things from
His perspective, move at
His pace, and function under
His directives.
Waiting times are growing times and learning times.
As you quiet your heart, you enter His peace;
as you sense your weakness, you receive His strength;
as you lay down your will, you hear His calling.
When you mount up, you are being lifted by the wind of His Spirit…
When you move ahead, you are sensitive to His timing…
When you act, you give yourself only to the things He has asked you to do.
(Roy Lessin)

I am indeed waiting on the Lord for future direction. Remember me in prayer as I yearn to follow the Lord's leading step-by-step. May the Lord revive us with His love during Easter.