Today I visited the doctor to check the ultrasound results. Praise God there is no change from last time - so I have a renewed my cancer-free license for 3 months! I recalled that during chemotherapy my entire focus was to get myself ready for the next shot every 3 weeks. Now it is check-up every 3 months and so I should not complain!
Afterwards I visited a tourist site near the medical building. Last year I cried at this spot after receiving the bad news. I was alone before Him. I cried and reflected on my "short" life and all my "unfinished" businesses. Today I worshipped the Lord there and remembered that I had laid all my unfulfilled wishes and unfinished businesses on the altar. I thanked Him for His goodness and mercy. I want to love Him and hold onto His love until I would see Him in eternity.
I finished my Forgiveness Sunday School course yesterday. I praise God for this privilege to share with brothers and sisters their life journey. Many of them are eager to obey His commandment to learn to forgive. In particular I thank God for Hanson - He is 88 years old and he needs to walk slowly with a crutch. He only missed one class due to sickness and he asked for the class notes for the missed session! He was always on time, sitting in the 1st row and actively particpated in bible study and small group discussions. I acknowledged him in class yesterday as an inspiring role model. I don't think I would live that long but if the Lord would bless me with such long life, I pray that I would be learning like Hanson each and everyday.
Thank you for all your prayers and kind words!
Monday, March 21, 2011
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
March 17 Surgery Anniversary
Today is the anniversary of my surgery; one year has gone by!
This week has started off a bit difficult. During Sunday Schoo, I shared again on trusting God's sovereign will in our lives. On Monday I "fell apart" when I lost files from my USB and some other event did not work out as planned. I was so disappointed, partly because I might have misunderstood the Lord's direction. So the lesson was to trust in His soverign will even when I felt misled in the "wrong" direction. On Tuesday I went to have an ultrasound (the 3 month monitoring of my breast lump.) It aroused fears of cancer recurrence, another mastectonmy and many other anxieties. Do I trust in His sovereign will that His plan is not one to harm us but to heal us and be near to us (even if cancer comes back)?? On Wednesday after class, I felt like I could not pull myself together for the bible study with mainland students. I ordered pizza for dinner with them (and ate 3 slices myself); we then discussed the existence of God from the philosophical point of view. It was pretty meaningful, particularly in light of the catastrophe in Japan. Today I managed my morning section of classes and felt like I could finally crash for a little while to self examine.
Despite all that, the Lord's has His blessings and I want to be thankful. First, I came across a former breast cancer patient's blog when doing internet search on the existence of God. The journal was in the 1980s and praise God she is still living. I could identify with her experiences so much it was like a message from the Lord himself affirming me that He understands. The blog alleviated my guilty feelings on not being able to fully trust in God's sovereign will. However I learn that embracing His sovereign will requires us to embrace our own fears of mortality and frailty. Once again I humbled before Him.
Second, I received a former colleague's email (out of the blue moon) and learned about 2 people having breast cancer. One was a former student who did not manage to finish her doctorate due to the severe treatment. It is very very sad and my heart goes out to her and her young daughter. Although it is sad but I am also reminded that my battle is really not tougher than anyone. God has been there for me throughout. Once again I am humbled before Him - thank God for His love.
As I tried to re-orient myself on this anniversary, again I bow myself before Him. I remembered this paragraph (from Thomas Merton's No Man is an Island) that I had recently shared with a friend:
In order to settle down in the quiet of our own being we must learn to be detached from the results of our own activity. We must withdraw ourselves, to some extent, from effects that are beyond our control and be content with the good will and the work that are the quiet expression of our inner life. We must be content to live without watching ourselves live, to work without expecting an immediate reward, to love without an instantaneous satisfaction, and to exist without any special recognition.
It is therefore a very great thing to be little, which is to say, to be ourselves.
I pray that I can be contented with being little, i.e. to be me. Help me live a simple life loving you.
This week has started off a bit difficult. During Sunday Schoo, I shared again on trusting God's sovereign will in our lives. On Monday I "fell apart" when I lost files from my USB and some other event did not work out as planned. I was so disappointed, partly because I might have misunderstood the Lord's direction. So the lesson was to trust in His soverign will even when I felt misled in the "wrong" direction. On Tuesday I went to have an ultrasound (the 3 month monitoring of my breast lump.) It aroused fears of cancer recurrence, another mastectonmy and many other anxieties. Do I trust in His sovereign will that His plan is not one to harm us but to heal us and be near to us (even if cancer comes back)?? On Wednesday after class, I felt like I could not pull myself together for the bible study with mainland students. I ordered pizza for dinner with them (and ate 3 slices myself); we then discussed the existence of God from the philosophical point of view. It was pretty meaningful, particularly in light of the catastrophe in Japan. Today I managed my morning section of classes and felt like I could finally crash for a little while to self examine.
Despite all that, the Lord's has His blessings and I want to be thankful. First, I came across a former breast cancer patient's blog when doing internet search on the existence of God. The journal was in the 1980s and praise God she is still living. I could identify with her experiences so much it was like a message from the Lord himself affirming me that He understands. The blog alleviated my guilty feelings on not being able to fully trust in God's sovereign will. However I learn that embracing His sovereign will requires us to embrace our own fears of mortality and frailty. Once again I humbled before Him.
Second, I received a former colleague's email (out of the blue moon) and learned about 2 people having breast cancer. One was a former student who did not manage to finish her doctorate due to the severe treatment. It is very very sad and my heart goes out to her and her young daughter. Although it is sad but I am also reminded that my battle is really not tougher than anyone. God has been there for me throughout. Once again I am humbled before Him - thank God for His love.
As I tried to re-orient myself on this anniversary, again I bow myself before Him. I remembered this paragraph (from Thomas Merton's No Man is an Island) that I had recently shared with a friend:
In order to settle down in the quiet of our own being we must learn to be detached from the results of our own activity. We must withdraw ourselves, to some extent, from effects that are beyond our control and be content with the good will and the work that are the quiet expression of our inner life. We must be content to live without watching ourselves live, to work without expecting an immediate reward, to love without an instantaneous satisfaction, and to exist without any special recognition.
It is therefore a very great thing to be little, which is to say, to be ourselves.
I pray that I can be contented with being little, i.e. to be me. Help me live a simple life loving you.
Monday, March 14, 2011
March 14th My Husband the Cheerful Helper
Today I read my blog entry on my goodfightdoris.blogspot.com last year March 14. I wrote about Victor and me. So today I would write about us again.
Let me share with you our landmark day last Saturday (March 12, 2011). Victor was invited to speak in an evangelistic meeting at a large church and somehow he was not able to decline. I don’t think he has the gift for evangelism. However we cannot only choose tasks we are “good at," and we must do our best to be faithful.
On that day I had a very bad day, physically fatigued, emotionally drained and spiritually on trial. So he went to the pier to pick me up, then got me lunch, massaged my sore shoulder, accompanied me to the pool to exercise, boiled my herbal medicine, cooked dinner and washed dishes. Then we went to church together. He was his usual self preaching the Word of God, following the bible passage closely. I had never heard him preach from such as distance and he looked good on screen despite the grey hair! I told him afterwards that he got a perfect rating from me – not only because he did a fine job preaching a difficult passage but also because he was able to take care of me doing all the tasks cheerfully before getting himself ready for the preaching in the evening.
As I was looking at mu husband from a distance in the audience, I thank the Lord for him. One year ago I wrote on the blog that I did not want to lose my earning power so that he would not need to choose a ministry to support me. Today I note that he can choose whatever ministries he wants to because I can see the Lord leading him. One year ago I was not too sure how he can handle my having cancer. Today I note that he certainly has learned to take good care of me.
I am once again amazed how the illness has made us stronger together in the Lord. The Lord has certainly blessed both of us! It is a landmark day because I feel like he is my cheerful helper too. In the past I felt some pressure to be his helper - now I feel more confident that the Lord will direct us to help each other.
Let me share with you our landmark day last Saturday (March 12, 2011). Victor was invited to speak in an evangelistic meeting at a large church and somehow he was not able to decline. I don’t think he has the gift for evangelism. However we cannot only choose tasks we are “good at," and we must do our best to be faithful.
On that day I had a very bad day, physically fatigued, emotionally drained and spiritually on trial. So he went to the pier to pick me up, then got me lunch, massaged my sore shoulder, accompanied me to the pool to exercise, boiled my herbal medicine, cooked dinner and washed dishes. Then we went to church together. He was his usual self preaching the Word of God, following the bible passage closely. I had never heard him preach from such as distance and he looked good on screen despite the grey hair! I told him afterwards that he got a perfect rating from me – not only because he did a fine job preaching a difficult passage but also because he was able to take care of me doing all the tasks cheerfully before getting himself ready for the preaching in the evening.
As I was looking at mu husband from a distance in the audience, I thank the Lord for him. One year ago I wrote on the blog that I did not want to lose my earning power so that he would not need to choose a ministry to support me. Today I note that he can choose whatever ministries he wants to because I can see the Lord leading him. One year ago I was not too sure how he can handle my having cancer. Today I note that he certainly has learned to take good care of me.
I am once again amazed how the illness has made us stronger together in the Lord. The Lord has certainly blessed both of us! It is a landmark day because I feel like he is my cheerful helper too. In the past I felt some pressure to be his helper - now I feel more confident that the Lord will direct us to help each other.
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