Dec 6 A hypochondriac journey

I did not have a blog entry for such a long time! It feels like I have forgotten about the cheerful helper.
This entry is somewhat difficult to write because I want to honestly share with you my hypochondriac journey for the past 2 months. I had some chest pain and immediately felt doomed that it would either be cancer recurring or some major illness. I ran around for different medical appointments and tests to rule out different conditions. The problem is that it is impossible to rule out everything. A negative finding now does not guarantee anything in the future. I cannot find rest.
On one Sunday when I was feeling quite low, Psalm 103 v 1-5 reappeared during worship time. The verses were God’s encouragement to me during my treatment process.
1 Praise the LORD, my soul; all my inmost being, praise his holy name.
2 Praise the LORD, my soul, and forget not all his benefits—
3 who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases,
4 who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion,
5 who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s.

I felt strongly that this was the Lord’s encouragement. However I was unable to hold onto the hope in Him. I realized that even if God’s healing touch is real, I may still live in unbelief. I did not have any good solution. Yet, God did not abandon me in my weakness. He gradually granted me some assurance from medical professionals. There were different reminders on God’s amazing protection during my surgery and treatment process.

During this time I read some Christian writings on death and came to embrace death as merely a passage to eternity life. Mostly I am afraid of the unknown. I dread physical pain, loneliness and helplessness in the process. My only option is to trust in God and hold onto His love now, moment by moment; it will eventually carry me through when the time comes to leave the earthly body to meet Him in eternity. Death is only a passageway.

Ironically thoughts of death may have helped me embrace life more. Sometimes I ask myself -- if I only have a few years left what would I be doing today? My perspectives change. I had found more time to be with Victor. I enjoyed some luxuries such as dining out with family and friends. Sometimes I dressed up for no real reason. I “wasted” time going for walks, reading novels, and doing “unimportant” things. I am less demanding on myself. Perhaps I am more alive this way! I have lose my drive and it feels strange.

Well, despite all these, the past 2 months have been great. I did 2 workshops at church. Victor and I shared together in a church event – it was so great to serve together as a team. We have a book on Couples in the Bible coming out next week. All these are wonderful – but thankfully they are not the focus of my life. God is.