Today is the anniversary of my surgery; one year has gone by!
This week has started off a bit difficult. During Sunday Schoo, I shared again on trusting God's sovereign will in our lives. On Monday I "fell apart" when I lost files from my USB and some other event did not work out as planned. I was so disappointed, partly because I might have misunderstood the Lord's direction. So the lesson was to trust in His soverign will even when I felt misled in the "wrong" direction. On Tuesday I went to have an ultrasound (the 3 month monitoring of my breast lump.) It aroused fears of cancer recurrence, another mastectonmy and many other anxieties. Do I trust in His sovereign will that His plan is not one to harm us but to heal us and be near to us (even if cancer comes back)?? On Wednesday after class, I felt like I could not pull myself together for the bible study with mainland students. I ordered pizza for dinner with them (and ate 3 slices myself); we then discussed the existence of God from the philosophical point of view. It was pretty meaningful, particularly in light of the catastrophe in Japan. Today I managed my morning section of classes and felt like I could finally crash for a little while to self examine.
Despite all that, the Lord's has His blessings and I want to be thankful. First, I came across a former breast cancer patient's blog when doing internet search on the existence of God. The journal was in the 1980s and praise God she is still living. I could identify with her experiences so much it was like a message from the Lord himself affirming me that He understands. The blog alleviated my guilty feelings on not being able to fully trust in God's sovereign will. However I learn that embracing His sovereign will requires us to embrace our own fears of mortality and frailty. Once again I humbled before Him.
Second, I received a former colleague's email (out of the blue moon) and learned about 2 people having breast cancer. One was a former student who did not manage to finish her doctorate due to the severe treatment. It is very very sad and my heart goes out to her and her young daughter. Although it is sad but I am also reminded that my battle is really not tougher than anyone. God has been there for me throughout. Once again I am humbled before Him - thank God for His love.
As I tried to re-orient myself on this anniversary, again I bow myself before Him. I remembered this paragraph (from Thomas Merton's No Man is an Island) that I had recently shared with a friend:
In order to settle down in the quiet of our own being we must learn to be detached from the results of our own activity. We must withdraw ourselves, to some extent, from effects that are beyond our control and be content with the good will and the work that are the quiet expression of our inner life. We must be content to live without watching ourselves live, to work without expecting an immediate reward, to love without an instantaneous satisfaction, and to exist without any special recognition.
It is therefore a very great thing to be little, which is to say, to be ourselves.
I pray that I can be contented with being little, i.e. to be me. Help me live a simple life loving you.
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