This Monday I was hoping to do something “special” with Victor although I did not know exactly what I wanted. I ended up wasting time and feeling frustrated. As I prayed, I realized how much I want to hold onto life and experience memorable moments. Yet the more I hold onto life in my hands, the more I am losing it. I end up filling my days with fleeting pleasures and episodes after episodes of nothingness. I pray that I can let go.
At work I must say my motivation has been declining. Although I am managing alright, I was not the compulsive achiever any more. Last academic year I was eager to “recover” and go back on track. This year I felt the weariness and found it hard to push myself. I felt somewhat in a limbo because it is hard to say goodbye to certain passions.
On Tuesday during my devotion I was reminded:
But those who wait on the Lord
Shall renew their strength;
They shall mount up with wings like eagles,
They shall run and not be weary,
They shall walk and not faint. Isa 40:31 NKJV
Yesterday Victor and I spent time together praying for wisdom and discernment to make some choices. May the Lord help us walk in His path step by step.
Friday, December 16, 2011
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
Dec 6 A hypochondriac journey
I did not have a blog entry for such a long time! It feels like I have forgotten about the cheerful helper.
This entry is somewhat difficult to write because I want to honestly share with you my hypochondriac journey for the past 2 months. I had some chest pain and immediately felt doomed that it would either be cancer recurring or some major illness. I ran around for different medical appointments and tests to rule out different conditions. The problem is that it is impossible to rule out everything. A negative finding now does not guarantee anything in the future. I cannot find rest.
On one Sunday when I was feeling quite low, Psalm 103 v 1-5 reappeared during worship time. The verses were God’s encouragement to me during my treatment process.
1 Praise the LORD, my soul; all my inmost being, praise his holy name.
2 Praise the LORD, my soul, and forget not all his benefits—
3 who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases,
4 who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion,
5 who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s.
I felt strongly that this was the Lord’s encouragement. However I was unable to hold onto the hope in Him. I realized that even if God’s healing touch is real, I may still live in unbelief. I did not have any good solution. Yet, God did not abandon me in my weakness. He gradually granted me some assurance from medical professionals. There were different reminders on God’s amazing protection during my surgery and treatment process.
During this time I read some Christian writings on death and came to embrace death as merely a passage to eternity life. Mostly I am afraid of the unknown. I dread physical pain, loneliness and helplessness in the process. My only option is to trust in God and hold onto His love now, moment by moment; it will eventually carry me through when the time comes to leave the earthly body to meet Him in eternity. Death is only a passageway.
Ironically thoughts of death may have helped me embrace life more. Sometimes I ask myself -- if I only have a few years left what would I be doing today? My perspectives change. I had found more time to be with Victor. I enjoyed some luxuries such as dining out with family and friends. Sometimes I dressed up for no real reason. I “wasted” time going for walks, reading novels, and doing “unimportant” things. I am less demanding on myself. Perhaps I am more alive this way! I have lose my drive and it feels strange.
Well, despite all these, the past 2 months have been great. I did 2 workshops at church. Victor and I shared together in a church event – it was so great to serve together as a team. We have a book on Couples in the Bible coming out next week. All these are wonderful – but thankfully they are not the focus of my life. God is.
This entry is somewhat difficult to write because I want to honestly share with you my hypochondriac journey for the past 2 months. I had some chest pain and immediately felt doomed that it would either be cancer recurring or some major illness. I ran around for different medical appointments and tests to rule out different conditions. The problem is that it is impossible to rule out everything. A negative finding now does not guarantee anything in the future. I cannot find rest.
On one Sunday when I was feeling quite low, Psalm 103 v 1-5 reappeared during worship time. The verses were God’s encouragement to me during my treatment process.
1 Praise the LORD, my soul; all my inmost being, praise his holy name.
2 Praise the LORD, my soul, and forget not all his benefits—
3 who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases,
4 who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion,
5 who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s.
I felt strongly that this was the Lord’s encouragement. However I was unable to hold onto the hope in Him. I realized that even if God’s healing touch is real, I may still live in unbelief. I did not have any good solution. Yet, God did not abandon me in my weakness. He gradually granted me some assurance from medical professionals. There were different reminders on God’s amazing protection during my surgery and treatment process.
During this time I read some Christian writings on death and came to embrace death as merely a passage to eternity life. Mostly I am afraid of the unknown. I dread physical pain, loneliness and helplessness in the process. My only option is to trust in God and hold onto His love now, moment by moment; it will eventually carry me through when the time comes to leave the earthly body to meet Him in eternity. Death is only a passageway.
Ironically thoughts of death may have helped me embrace life more. Sometimes I ask myself -- if I only have a few years left what would I be doing today? My perspectives change. I had found more time to be with Victor. I enjoyed some luxuries such as dining out with family and friends. Sometimes I dressed up for no real reason. I “wasted” time going for walks, reading novels, and doing “unimportant” things. I am less demanding on myself. Perhaps I am more alive this way! I have lose my drive and it feels strange.
Well, despite all these, the past 2 months have been great. I did 2 workshops at church. Victor and I shared together in a church event – it was so great to serve together as a team. We have a book on Couples in the Bible coming out next week. All these are wonderful – but thankfully they are not the focus of my life. God is.
Monday, October 10, 2011
Oct 11
It has been one year now since I completed chemotherapy and radiation treatment. Praise God for the gift of recovery!
I have my own hair now. Although it is thin I am soooooooooo thankful to have hair!
When I encountered the possibility of death last year I noted that I was not ready. I had only a few items of unfinished businesses on earth. I realized that the projects I was involved in were really insignificant and most of my commitments could be easily replaced by others.
I was not ready because I found my love for God to be so limited. I do not know how best to describe my feelings. I would have to rely on faith hope and love to carry me through the transition of death to heaven. [1 Cor 13:13 And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love. Only faith, hope and love remain.] So I have been praying that I would grow in these three. Praise God I think I have!
I must confess that I still get entangled in sin and hindered by many things easily. [Hebrews 12:1-2 Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us.] May the Lord help us run with perseverance in this race!
Another reason I felt unready to be with the Lord was that I wanted more opportunities to share Christ with nonbelievers. This is the area I have not seen a lot of changes. So I am praying that the Lord will teach me.
I have my own hair now. Although it is thin I am soooooooooo thankful to have hair!
When I encountered the possibility of death last year I noted that I was not ready. I had only a few items of unfinished businesses on earth. I realized that the projects I was involved in were really insignificant and most of my commitments could be easily replaced by others.
I was not ready because I found my love for God to be so limited. I do not know how best to describe my feelings. I would have to rely on faith hope and love to carry me through the transition of death to heaven. [1 Cor 13:13 And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love. Only faith, hope and love remain.] So I have been praying that I would grow in these three. Praise God I think I have!
I must confess that I still get entangled in sin and hindered by many things easily. [Hebrews 12:1-2 Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us.] May the Lord help us run with perseverance in this race!
Another reason I felt unready to be with the Lord was that I wanted more opportunities to share Christ with nonbelievers. This is the area I have not seen a lot of changes. So I am praying that the Lord will teach me.
Monday, August 29, 2011
August 30 Give us this day our daily bread
This verse in the Lord’s Prayer has special meaning for me when I once visited my friend diagnosed with leukemia at the hospital. She was having chemotherapy and had difficulty taking in food. We prayed this prayer together before her meal. The Lord answered -- I observed her finishing her bowl of oatmeal! Even if tasty, nutritious food is provided, we may not be able to take them in for the nourishing of our body. We are totally dependent on Him to give us this day our daily bread.
In about a year later, it was my turn to experience this prayer in a personal way. I was diagnosed with breast cancer. Each day I had to work on eating enough to keep my body strong for the 6 chemotherapy cycles. I can do my best to eat, but I really have no control over how the body takes in the nutrition. Praise God for carrying me through. Even on days when my appetite was poor and my mouth tasted metallic (yes, that is the sensation, and the fancy word is Dysguesia), I managed to gulp down 3 meals a day. Saying grace before meals means something else. I experienced the Lord supplying both physical and spiritual food in amazing timings and slowly I learned to trust in His providence.
Now in about another year, “Give us this day our daily readb” has a new meaning. I am trying hard to eat well – to resist fast, processed food, to not postpone a meal because of work, to not indulge in unhealthy delicacies… This requires a lot of discipline as well as time and energy --- I have to purchase and prespare fresh food, plan and organize my meals ahead of time so that I would not "eat out” last minute when stressed. It feels tiring! I also try to reserve dining out only for social purposes and special occasions. Even then I need to make good choices! It is very hard!!
Well, the above seems to be mostly for complaining. But deep within me, my prayer is Lord, give me this day my daily bread. Let me receive my bread and manna from Your hand humbly each day, trusting that You would feed me with Your good food for the nourishing of my mind, body and soul. Lord, please tame my wild desires and quench my thirst with Your living water.
In about a year later, it was my turn to experience this prayer in a personal way. I was diagnosed with breast cancer. Each day I had to work on eating enough to keep my body strong for the 6 chemotherapy cycles. I can do my best to eat, but I really have no control over how the body takes in the nutrition. Praise God for carrying me through. Even on days when my appetite was poor and my mouth tasted metallic (yes, that is the sensation, and the fancy word is Dysguesia), I managed to gulp down 3 meals a day. Saying grace before meals means something else. I experienced the Lord supplying both physical and spiritual food in amazing timings and slowly I learned to trust in His providence.
Now in about another year, “Give us this day our daily readb” has a new meaning. I am trying hard to eat well – to resist fast, processed food, to not postpone a meal because of work, to not indulge in unhealthy delicacies… This requires a lot of discipline as well as time and energy --- I have to purchase and prespare fresh food, plan and organize my meals ahead of time so that I would not "eat out” last minute when stressed. It feels tiring! I also try to reserve dining out only for social purposes and special occasions. Even then I need to make good choices! It is very hard!!
Well, the above seems to be mostly for complaining. But deep within me, my prayer is Lord, give me this day my daily bread. Let me receive my bread and manna from Your hand humbly each day, trusting that You would feed me with Your good food for the nourishing of my mind, body and soul. Lord, please tame my wild desires and quench my thirst with Your living water.
Friday, August 26, 2011
August 27 Getting Ready for a New Semester
This last week I had bad jet lag – insomnia for quite a few nights and simply lethargic during day time. Fortunately I did not panic or feel depressed, striving to pray in those sleepy-waking moments. I struggled to work hard preparing for the new semester. After a few days toiling without achieving much, it suddenly dawned on me that I did not even pray about all these busy work. So I paused and asked God to make me a blessing to students, praying that I may be able to offer them a good learning experience and committing all that I do in His hands. In particular I ask you to also pray for guidance in ministry opportunities with students from mainland.
Last year this time I struggled with fever after my last chemotherapy shot. I am thankful for where I am at right now (with thin curly hair). Only God knows what the future holds for us. We can only walk one step at time. I read my blog again and was encouraged by what I wrote:
"The most important is total surrender to the Lord. Faith in His healing comes within our total surrender to Him and His sovereign will. Sometimes I am afraid to ask for certain things because I do not want to be disappointed. Surrendering allows us to freely ask and expect goodness from God and yet accepting “disappointments” and God’s alternative paths, only to find that His perfect way is better than ours.”
Lord, help me rest in Your perfect will!
Last year this time I struggled with fever after my last chemotherapy shot. I am thankful for where I am at right now (with thin curly hair). Only God knows what the future holds for us. We can only walk one step at time. I read my blog again and was encouraged by what I wrote:
"The most important is total surrender to the Lord. Faith in His healing comes within our total surrender to Him and His sovereign will. Sometimes I am afraid to ask for certain things because I do not want to be disappointed. Surrendering allows us to freely ask and expect goodness from God and yet accepting “disappointments” and God’s alternative paths, only to find that His perfect way is better than ours.”
Lord, help me rest in Your perfect will!
Sunday, August 21, 2011
August 21 Back to California (2)
The first week in California was relaxing and refreshing – it was a great delight to visit our friends. The second week we spent some time with family in San Diego and we also took care of businesses & ran errands. It became difficult as we approached departure.
On the 3rd Sunday (Day 14) we worshipped at Lake Ave Congregation Church in Pasadena. The sermon was on contentment (Philippians 4 ). I was reminded how the Lord has blessed us abundantly during the years in U.S. I am grateful and content. It has been a wonderful chapter of my life – I completed my PhD and had great professional training opportunities, got my “Mrs” degree and began my career in academia. The Lord has blessed me with more than I can ever imagine when I first arrived U.S. I am most grateful for a life with Victor serving together in the ministry. A lot of memories came back – The Lord had led us through trials and difficulties.
I felt my vulnerabilities intensely for a few days, experiencing both anxiety and sadness. The anxiety was due to a detour of travel plans with various uncertainties that I had no control. This triggered helplessness as well as a sense of loss as we approached farewell. We drove by our home one more time and I cried - it was a bittersweet moment saying goodbye to all the memories there. I also said goodbye to our church families in U.S. We visited the two churches Victor had served on the first two Sundays and had dinner with church families. My Sunday School kids have grown up to be teenagers, and the teenagers have grown up to be young married couples. I realize I was emotionally very attached! I have to let go. This closure is necessary so that I can be wholeheartedly devoted to church ministries in Hong Kong.
In my vulnerabilities, the Lord revealed His presence in our lives. The last few days we had a wonderful experience of God’s guidance. A few minute details pieced together perfectly, showing us that God can mastermind all things. Moreover the Holy Spirit was there to guide us in each step with His prompting. While browsing through the mail, I managed to find a date and location to complete a Continuing Education seminar for my license renewal. [The topic was on Journal Writing as a Therapeutic Tool – I learned a few interesting things about writing. Looking back, the blogging helped me significantly during my cancer treatment. I would write more often on this blog too – it really does help me focus on God’s work in our lives and it is really a privilege to share with you.] The brother who prepared our tax return completed the task for us. We managed to sign the papers to open escrow for our house sale a few minutes before 5 pm before we left Los Angeles. {We are trusting in the Lord that it will come through!} When scrambling to come up with our bank account number at the escrow office, a check I had prepared to support a missionary family was lying in my purse to show me the number. [What we give is little - but the blessings we receive are rich!] On the morning of my departure, Victor got confirmation that his part-time pastoral position has come through. My detour trip turned out to be smooth, only reminding me how God has guided me each step in my life.
God’s message to me was clear at the end of this trip – trust in His sovereign will in our lives. See how He works!
On the 3rd Sunday (Day 14) we worshipped at Lake Ave Congregation Church in Pasadena. The sermon was on contentment (Philippians 4 ). I was reminded how the Lord has blessed us abundantly during the years in U.S. I am grateful and content. It has been a wonderful chapter of my life – I completed my PhD and had great professional training opportunities, got my “Mrs” degree and began my career in academia. The Lord has blessed me with more than I can ever imagine when I first arrived U.S. I am most grateful for a life with Victor serving together in the ministry. A lot of memories came back – The Lord had led us through trials and difficulties.
I felt my vulnerabilities intensely for a few days, experiencing both anxiety and sadness. The anxiety was due to a detour of travel plans with various uncertainties that I had no control. This triggered helplessness as well as a sense of loss as we approached farewell. We drove by our home one more time and I cried - it was a bittersweet moment saying goodbye to all the memories there. I also said goodbye to our church families in U.S. We visited the two churches Victor had served on the first two Sundays and had dinner with church families. My Sunday School kids have grown up to be teenagers, and the teenagers have grown up to be young married couples. I realize I was emotionally very attached! I have to let go. This closure is necessary so that I can be wholeheartedly devoted to church ministries in Hong Kong.
In my vulnerabilities, the Lord revealed His presence in our lives. The last few days we had a wonderful experience of God’s guidance. A few minute details pieced together perfectly, showing us that God can mastermind all things. Moreover the Holy Spirit was there to guide us in each step with His prompting. While browsing through the mail, I managed to find a date and location to complete a Continuing Education seminar for my license renewal. [The topic was on Journal Writing as a Therapeutic Tool – I learned a few interesting things about writing. Looking back, the blogging helped me significantly during my cancer treatment. I would write more often on this blog too – it really does help me focus on God’s work in our lives and it is really a privilege to share with you.] The brother who prepared our tax return completed the task for us. We managed to sign the papers to open escrow for our house sale a few minutes before 5 pm before we left Los Angeles. {We are trusting in the Lord that it will come through!} When scrambling to come up with our bank account number at the escrow office, a check I had prepared to support a missionary family was lying in my purse to show me the number. [What we give is little - but the blessings we receive are rich!] On the morning of my departure, Victor got confirmation that his part-time pastoral position has come through. My detour trip turned out to be smooth, only reminding me how God has guided me each step in my life.
God’s message to me was clear at the end of this trip – trust in His sovereign will in our lives. See how He works!
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
August 10 Back to Calfornia
We have been back in U.S. for 10 days. I have a lot to share. Perhaps I will do it chronologically.
First I was thankful that we had a safe plane ride and I was able to sleep for a few hours!
Next we visited our former church (RCAC) where Victor preached on that Sunday. In the evening we had dinner with them celebrating 3 couples’ wedding anniversary. It was great to reconnect with everyone. Although we were gone for only 3 years, I felt like we had missed so much of their growing up and changes. It was shocking to see some of my Sunday school kids now grown so tall. There are quite a few young couples now with babies I have not met. Some of the Sunday school preschoolers do not even remember me. It was a bit sad! It seems like we must move on, and this closure pushes me to be settled in our church ministries in Hong Kong. May the Lord direct and guide us in the ministries He has assigned for us so that we may serve Him faithfully in another church.
Then we drove up to Santa Barbara, Solvang, Pismo Beach, etc. along No. 1 Highway along the Pacific Coast, which was our honeymoon trail. It was very relaxing with the cool breeze. I thank God for our blessed 12 years and renewed my marriage commitment to the Lord. It is good that He is the origin of all loves – I prayed that His love (charity) would transform all our yearnings and desires. His love is the solid foundation of our marraige.
Then we visited our home – very sad to see the garden desolated and barren. But you can never expect tenants to take care of a rental property as if it is their own home. We had a lot of fond memories in the home and it was hard to say goodbye! Nevertheless we have to close this special chapter in our lives. We discovered several church connections with our real estate agents and we prayed together for the selling of this property. Then the stock market crashed next day (August 5th the Black Friday) and I worried about the sale. The only thing we can do is to entrust everything to our Lord. Today we heard there are some offers - reminding me that "The Lord is good, and blessed is the man who puts his trust in Him."
I attended a Continuing Education class for Psychologist on Saturday and met a former student. At first I thought she did not want to greet me. Later I found out that she is now legally blind due to an unsuccessful eye surgery. I remembered her perseverance during her doctoral studies. Despite this traumatic loss of body function and subsequently her job with good career prospects, she did not give up. She reminded me to be thankful for my body once again. Despite the pain and aches, my surgery was "suceessful." Once again I pray taht the Lord would help me take good care of my body so that I may serve Him in the fullest capacity.
On the 2nd Sunday, Victor preached in his former church (MPCBC). I prayed much for the Holy Spirit’s work and was most delighted to hear a good sermon relevant to the congregation. We also had a wonderful opportunity to fellowship with brothers and sisters at the church.
Besides we certainly had great food – Cheesecake Factory for Godiva cheesecake, Buca di Beppo…We also went to Whole Foods and discover more about organic and health food that are not easily available in Hong Kong.
Will tell you more...
First I was thankful that we had a safe plane ride and I was able to sleep for a few hours!
Next we visited our former church (RCAC) where Victor preached on that Sunday. In the evening we had dinner with them celebrating 3 couples’ wedding anniversary. It was great to reconnect with everyone. Although we were gone for only 3 years, I felt like we had missed so much of their growing up and changes. It was shocking to see some of my Sunday school kids now grown so tall. There are quite a few young couples now with babies I have not met. Some of the Sunday school preschoolers do not even remember me. It was a bit sad! It seems like we must move on, and this closure pushes me to be settled in our church ministries in Hong Kong. May the Lord direct and guide us in the ministries He has assigned for us so that we may serve Him faithfully in another church.
Then we drove up to Santa Barbara, Solvang, Pismo Beach, etc. along No. 1 Highway along the Pacific Coast, which was our honeymoon trail. It was very relaxing with the cool breeze. I thank God for our blessed 12 years and renewed my marriage commitment to the Lord. It is good that He is the origin of all loves – I prayed that His love (charity) would transform all our yearnings and desires. His love is the solid foundation of our marraige.
Then we visited our home – very sad to see the garden desolated and barren. But you can never expect tenants to take care of a rental property as if it is their own home. We had a lot of fond memories in the home and it was hard to say goodbye! Nevertheless we have to close this special chapter in our lives. We discovered several church connections with our real estate agents and we prayed together for the selling of this property. Then the stock market crashed next day (August 5th the Black Friday) and I worried about the sale. The only thing we can do is to entrust everything to our Lord. Today we heard there are some offers - reminding me that "The Lord is good, and blessed is the man who puts his trust in Him."
I attended a Continuing Education class for Psychologist on Saturday and met a former student. At first I thought she did not want to greet me. Later I found out that she is now legally blind due to an unsuccessful eye surgery. I remembered her perseverance during her doctoral studies. Despite this traumatic loss of body function and subsequently her job with good career prospects, she did not give up. She reminded me to be thankful for my body once again. Despite the pain and aches, my surgery was "suceessful." Once again I pray taht the Lord would help me take good care of my body so that I may serve Him in the fullest capacity.
On the 2nd Sunday, Victor preached in his former church (MPCBC). I prayed much for the Holy Spirit’s work and was most delighted to hear a good sermon relevant to the congregation. We also had a wonderful opportunity to fellowship with brothers and sisters at the church.
Besides we certainly had great food – Cheesecake Factory for Godiva cheesecake, Buca di Beppo…We also went to Whole Foods and discover more about organic and health food that are not easily available in Hong Kong.
Will tell you more...
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